Ranma and Akane Wake Up
by Zorknot
Summary: Ranma and Akane grow and learn as people while the universe explodes around them. Second chapter up. English midget.
1. Fit in the First:Six Impossible Things

Ranma and Akane Wake Up  
by W.Brad Robinson (Zorknot)  
Ch.1-Six Impossible Things  
  
DISCLAIMER: I'm stealing from several series here most   
notably Ranma 1/2. But I do this truly out of the goodness of   
my heart. And because it's fun. This chapter also uses ideas   
from Love Hina, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and Sailor   
Moon.   
  
NOTE: I decided I would have a crack at the old Ranma solves   
everything genre. Rather than agonize over how to do it I just   
wrote whatever came to mind that seemed to make some sense.   
As a result this probably won't make any sense:-)   
  
"Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible  
things before breakfast!"  
-The Red Queen fr. Through the Looking Glass by Lewis   
Carrol  
  
"If you've done six impossible things this morning, why not   
round it off with breakfast at Milliways the Restaurant at the   
End of the Universe!"  
-fr. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams  
  
In case you don't know... the kanji for the the first part of Ranma's name (Ran) means Chaos and the first part of Genma name (Gen) the meaning is Darkness (or at least that's my understanding)   
  
  
~~~~~[START]~~~~~  
  
Ranma tried hotter and hotter water but still nothing worked.  
  
She was stuck as a girl.  
  
Again.  
  
"How many times does this have to happen?" Ranma asked the   
gods. "Why can't I just be left alone? I don't even care if the   
curse is cured anymore, but why do people have to mess with   
it?"  
  
"It's your karma." an old, wise voice told her. "You have   
brought this on yourself, young one, and it is you alone who   
can undo it."  
  
"Bullshit! I ain't done nothin' wrong!"   
  
"Who am I?" the old voice asked patiently.  
  
"Who are you?! You're the ghoul, Shampoo's not so great   
grandmother, Cologne."  
  
"Idiot! If I am she, then who are you?"  
  
"Huh? I'm Ranma Saotome of the Anything Goes School of   
martial arts."  
  
"You are not your school, young one, or your name. Ranma   
Saotome is merely a metaphor, a way for you to deal with   
whatever affects you. You use Ranma to hide yourself. You   
use Ranma to run away."  
  
"I don't know what the hell your talking about, ghoul. Look   
dya know how I can go back ta bein' a man or are ya just   
gonna keep confusin' the shit outta me?"   
  
"Are you a man?"  
  
"Okay, look, If ya really wanna go on a soul searchin' party   
then fine. I'll admit it. Part of me is a girl. I accepted that after the wedding got ruined. But I'm still a man."  
  
"What does that mean? You are not, after all, physically male   
at the moment are you?"  
  
"It MEANS that I ain't some weak willed wishy washy good   
for nothin' cry baby."  
  
"Yet you admit that part of you is like this."  
  
"...yes."  
  
"And you admitted this after the failed wedding?"  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"Is Akane a man?"  
  
"Of course not!"  
  
"Do you not call her a tomboy at the slightest provocation?"  
  
"Yeah but that's because ...I'm just messin' with her."  
  
"Why do you do that?"  
  
"Cause... she's just so cool...she don't let anyone get away   
with anythin' and, she don't hurt anyone who can't take it. I   
love that about her. I love seein' that."  
  
"She's not 'wishy washy' then?"  
  
"Nah, anythin' but! I mean even Shampoo, Ukyo, and   
Kodachi, they got spunk but they'll do anythin' I ask! It's   
irritatin'."  
  
"You want someone you can count on. Someone you can relax   
around and not worry about hurting am I right?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You want a man."  
  
"Hold it right there! I never said..."  
  
"I'm just using your definition. You said a man was someone   
who wasn't wishy washy and who could be counted on to   
accomplish things."  
  
"Look, I see what your sayin' but if that were true I'd be goin'   
after Ryoga too and I am NOT atracted to pig boy in the least."  
  
"Interesting you should mention Ryoga, someone with whom   
you've flirted with quite forcefully in the past."  
  
"That was just 'cause he was goin' after Akane!"  
  
"Perhaps. But he never could deny you anything while he   
thought you were female, am I right. He was weak...wishy   
washy. He was a girl."  
  
"I'll have to tell him that one sometime..."  
  
"In fact, I would wager that the only people you are around for   
any significant amount of time who are men by your definition   
are the Tendo sisters, myself, and perhaps your mother.   
Everyone else has some weakness that makes them loose their   
willpower."  
  
"But they're all girls!"  
  
"And you love them all don't you. They're your true family,   
the ones you go to if you're in need. Take me for instance.   
Why are you talking to me of all people, when you know that   
all I want is for you to marry my granddaughter. Or Nabiki,   
you continually ask for her help even though she charges you   
an arm and a leg for it. And Kasumi will not tolerate bad   
behavior from you at all. She wields her caring, pleasant   
attitude like a great weapon that cuts you only when it's absent.   
These are all opponents you cannot truly defeat."   
  
"I can take ya anytime" Ranma said half heartedly.  
  
"Yes you could probably beat me, even without the cat fist   
now. But would it be a true victory?"  
  
"No..." Ranma admitted, " Jeez! When did I start liking   
you?!"  
  
"Happosai is another story isn't he? Even though you have yet   
to defeat him in a clean fight, you have no respect for him. He   
is led by his emotions, his base desires. He is not a man. Every   
now and then your father actually comes close, and that is why   
you have not left him even though you could have gone home   
or back to China at anytime, but most of the time he is led by   
his stomach, his greed, and his fear of Happosai. When he   
gives into these feelings is when you hate him the most."  
  
"Damn how do you know all this stuff about me?"  
  
"Think of Kuno. Do you know why you fight him even though   
now he isn't anywhere near your level anymore? You're afraid   
of him. You're afraid of him because he doesn't give up. He is   
actually quite manly by your definition, and you are attracted   
to him."  
  
"There ain't no way I'm attracted ta that jerk!"  
  
"Sometimes I wonder if your double negatives are   
intentional... Do you remember the dream you had? The dream   
starts with you walking through the Tendo home. This is a   
metaphor for your exploration of the new world you entered.   
You go into the furo, a place of privacy and contemplation, and   
there sitting with you, is Kuno, naked, his intentions revealed.   
  
"Then you are submerged in the water, taken over by emotion,   
and the water changes from hot, meaning male, to cold,   
meaning female. You go from having something to attack and   
defend against to being helpless. You are then in the pool   
where Kuno groped you, where he revealed your femaleness,   
your helplessness, and strangely enough Kuno attempts to help   
you out. But he does this by extending his bokken, an obvious   
symbol of manhood. He offers to help you out of your   
emotional turmoil by giving you his manhood. By making you   
his girlfriend. But you refuse and are submerged once again   
sinking deeper and deeper into emotion passing your father in   
his cursed form- a reminder of the cause of your curse.   
  
"This is the place where Ranma the girl lives. This is the place   
where you keep your fears... your doubts... your weaknesses.   
This place existed ever since the first time your father called   
you a girl because as soon as he did so, he provided you with a   
label to put all the feelings you didn't like under. A label you   
still use today. At the bottom of this place Kuno surounds you,   
professing his love. You dare not move because to move   
would be to accept it. But you need to move. You need to get   
out of this dark emotional place you're in. The dream ends   
when you drown.  
  
"If you did not care for Kuno at all, then you would not have   
had that dream. If you could not imagine being his wife you   
wouldn't have dreamt of having his children on watermelon   
island. And before you protest I ask you why when you were   
affected by Happosai's moxibustion making you weaker than a   
child you said, of all things 'the day Kuno beats me is the day I   
stop being a man?'"  
  
"That don't mean nothin'! I wouldn't date Kuno even if I were   
a woman!"  
  
"There you go with the double negatives again. But I'm proud   
of you. That's the first time you've referred to being female as   
being a 'woman' and not a 'girl.' And I think you have come   
upon the true name for what you have been calling manhood.   
It's maturity. Kuno is by no means wishy washy, but he is not   
your ideal. He gives no thought to his actions. He has no   
femininity. He is not woman enough to be a true man. He is not   
mature. Akane still dislikes boys. She dislikes them for the   
same reason you don't like girls, because they aren't mature.   
What you realized after the wedding is that while in many   
things you have reached a maturity beyond your years, in   
relationships you have yet to grow. That you felt that you had   
to be female for this to happen is regrettable, because it's put   
you in your current situation."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I think you are a man, but you are also a girl. What you need   
to do is become a woman."  
  
"Aw, come ON! I ain't never gonna be a woman! Just give up   
already!"  
  
"I agree. You aren't 'never' going to be a woman. You will   
become one right now."  
  
"Oh yeah? How dya figure?"  
  
"Tell me who I am."  
  
"You are Cologne, we already went through this!"  
  
"Heh not the old ghoul anymore?"  
  
"No..."  
  
"You do realize you are dreaming right?"  
  
"I'm dreaming?"   
  
"I thought it was obvious... I ask you once more: Who am I?"  
  
"If I'm dreaming then...you're not really here. But then why   
am I talking to you? How did you know about the dream about   
Kuno? How come I could talk to you about Akane? You're not   
Cologne you're..."  
  
"Yes, you know it now, say it."  
  
"You're me. You're that part of me that is a woman, that   
knows what I am feeling, that is patient, that works things out."  
  
"I am what makes you a man I am your wisdom, your   
experience. I am the reason you excel in martial arts."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Yes."  
  
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@  
  
Ranma woke up. Looking at the ceiling he saw that he   
was in his room. He smiled. He was male. He got out of his   
futon on the floor and walked toward Akane's room. He   
opened the door and leaned over Akane's sleeping form.   
"Akane?"  
  
Akane woke up and looked at Ranma bleary eyed "What is it,   
Ranma?"  
  
"I love you."  
  
Akane reached up and touched Ranma's face. "You're...real."   
She pulled him down and they kissed. It was like the mixing of   
two reactive chemicals, creating an explosion of passion. When   
they stopped Akane and Ranma embraced each other, their   
chins over each others shoulder. Akane whispered into   
Ranma's ear playfully "I love you more."  
  
"We'll see about that." Ranma whispered back, smiling. He   
never could back down from a challenge...  
  
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@  
  
The day after the second wedding, which was held privately   
with only Ranma and Akane's immediate family in attendance,   
Ranma and Akane were on their way to school. Ranma could   
see Shampoo coming from a mile away. He dodged her bicycle   
of death easily and made sure he was between her and Akane.   
  
"Airen go on date with Shampoo yes?"  
  
"Sure, Shampoo, but only if my wife comes with us,"   
  
"What you mean 'wife?'"  
  
"Akane and I are married. I'd still like to be friends and lunch   
sounds great. Why don't you bring Mousse and we'll do a   
double date?" Ranma smiled. His eyes were issuing a challenge   
though.  
  
"Ranma no BAKA!" Akane's mallet hit Ranma's head   
unexpectedly.  
  
"Oooph! Gomen! Is that okay with you, Akane?"   
  
Akane smiled and retracted her mallet. "Sure Ranma sounds   
good. How about you   
Shampoo?"  
  
Shampoo looked extremely worried. "But...but...Ranma   
Shampoo's airen! Is Chinese Amazon law!"  
  
Ranma sighed, "I guess that's a 'no' then?"  
  
"If Akane Airen's wife then Shampoo must kill!" Shampoo got   
into a fighting stance.  
  
"Oh grow up, Shampoo," Ranma admonished "We're not in   
China now and I'm beyond your reach. I'm sorry your laws are   
so stupid that they won't forgive you for making an honest   
mistake but that doesn't mean I'm going to marry you. If you   
want to fight Akane issue a challenge, but you should really   
stop this hobby of yours before someone actually does get   
killed." Shampoo just stood speechless. Ranma smiled. "Well,   
we're goin' to be late for school if we don't get goin'. Tell your   
grandmother I said 'hi!'" And with that Akane and Ranma left   
for school leaving a broken hearted Shampoo in their wake.  
  
"Do you think she'll be alright?" Ranma asked his wife.  
  
"I'm sure she'll be fine. As long as she has someone she can   
talk to. I remember when I realized I could never be with   
Tofu...It'll be rough but she'll get over it I'm sure."  
  
"But she won't be able to go home now..."  
  
"I think her home's here now. You ever see her working? She   
loves it!"  
  
"Heh, I guess you're right." Ranma said thinking. A splash of   
water hit his side changing him from male to female. Ranma   
turned to see the ladle lady. "Good morning!" She said sunnily.   
  
"Good morning, dear" the old woman replied. "Sorry if I   
splashed you, I'm afraid I've been almost completely blind   
since the eighties. Would you like some tea? I always keep   
some hot water handy you know."  
  
"Oh that's okay. I'm running a little late, but maybe some other   
time." Ranma and Akane walked on.  
  
"Well I guess that solves that mystery" Akane said with a   
laugh.  
  
"Yeah, why didn't I ever think to ask her for hot water   
before?"  
  
"Cause you're a baka that's why." Akane supplied.  
  
"Oh yes I forgot."   
  
They walked on for bit then Akane asked, "Why didn't you ask   
for some just now?"  
  
"Aside from possibly giving the woman a heart attack when I   
changed forms? I dunno. I figure I'll probably end up getting   
splashed again anyway. It's just not worth the trouble. It's not   
like I need to be a man right now or anything."  
  
"Right, just as long as you're a man tonight..."  
  
"Oh, I don't know, you ever try it with another woman? Could   
be fun..."  
  
Akane pretended to get angry"RANMA!"  
  
"Ranma PREPARE TO DIE!" A bandanna clad martial artist   
(who really WAS angry) jumped in front of Akane and Ranma.  
  
"Okay Ryoga, I've had enough of this. I want you to apologize   
to Akane right now."  
  
"Ap-p-poligize?"  
  
"She trusted you and you continually betrayed that trust. I   
know you had your reasons but I can't let it go on anymore. If   
you do not tell her than I will. Promise or no promise"  
  
"Tell me what?" Akane asked.  
  
"Akane," Ryoga started, nervously putting his hand behind his   
head, "I...that is...you know how Ranma's always..." Ryoga   
shut his eyes tight and balled his hands into fists as he raised   
his voice to the heavens: "I'M P-CHAN!"  
  
"Oh I knew that already." Akane replied, smiling sweetly  
  
"NANI?" Ranma and Ryoga asked.  
  
"Oh sure. I knew it as soon as Ranma chased you out of the   
furo that day. I knew it made him jealous and you were a pig so   
it wasn't like you would do anything. I figured the best revenge   
I could have on you was to pretend that you were just a normal   
pig. If you ever did anything really mean to Ranma I might   
have gone to the vet..."  
  
"But why didn't you tell me?" Ranma asked not wanting to   
think of what would have happened had it come to that.  
  
"I gave you every clue I could think of, I mean I purposely   
ignored it each time you called Ryoga P-chan and when he had   
the Charlotte collar on. And I would always treat Ryoga just   
like P-chan except without allowing him near my breasts of   
course."  
  
"Why couldn't you just tell me?"  
  
"I made a woman to woman promise with Nabiki that I   
wouldn't. She said that I'd find out why later." Akane laughed,   
"I guess now I know."  
  
Ranma looked at Akane incredulously for a moment and then   
started laughing herself. "I guess I should have known!"   
  
The only one not enjoying themselves was Ryoga. "You mean   
I never had a chance?"  
  
Akane stopped laughing. "Well, if you had told the truth to me   
earlier, if you ever actually asked me out, if you didn't almost   
kill me those couple of times, who knows? But you just don't   
think before you act, do you, Ryoga? You just plow straight   
through life without paying any attention to where you are or   
where you're going. Ranma and I tried to help you along.   
Akari is perfect for you, but you just can't follow directions. If   
you don't like Akari that's fine, but you can't like her and not   
like her at the same time. You can't have it both ways. You are   
a lost boy, Ryoga. Right down to your fangs. I hope at some   
point you find the way out of never never land. There's a   
reason they call it that you know." Akane walked away.  
  
Ryoga looked stunned. A strange energy filled the air. Ranma   
could tell what he was about to do... "Oh no, bacon breath!   
That's not going to work!" She chuckled "It's HAPPY   
thoughts that get you back the real world. HAPPY thoughts.   
Think about Akari, man. She loves you." And with that, Ranma   
followed Akane toward school leaving Ryoga to review his   
choices.   
  
Ryoga turned and walked the other way...in exactly the   
direction he needed to go.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
Kuno was waiting for Akane and Ranma when they got to   
school. "Hark! The sun and moon doth rise in tandem! My   
goddesses approach!"  
  
Ranma and Akane smiled at each other. Then Ranma spoke   
"But oh noble Kuno! Which of us will you serve! Surely I, the   
moon, am your only paramour!" she leaned into Kuno and put   
her fists under her chin cutely.  
  
"Nay, gentle Kuno! Swear not by the moon!" exclaimed   
Akane, adapting a line from the part she always wanted to play   
as she too leaned into Kuno. "The inconstant moon that...by   
water...changes in her circled orb, lest thy love prove likewise   
variable."  
  
Ranma put the back of her hand to her forehead dramatically   
"Indeed, should steaming water touch my skin I would become   
that man you hold most vile! It's true! Our love could never   
be!"   
  
"Is this so?" Kuno had the look of revelation "This...explains   
much...I never fully understood how the sorcerer could hold   
such sway over you! Alas! Until such time as you are free of   
that wretch I could no more serve you than he. But what of the   
sun! Yes the ever present sun shall forever be my love! I have   
decided!"  
  
Ranma pointed at Kuno "You would turn from me so easily!   
But know this: the Sun doth leave you nightly and even as she   
burns today she doth burn for another. She too is under the   
thrall of that dark demon that did smite a fiery god!"  
  
Akane gave Ranma a half lidded expression and then continued   
"Yes, and even though he is brash and full of himself...he yet   
keeps my heart in check. Alas good Kuno...I cannot in good   
faith accept your love."  
  
Kuno knelt in front of Akane "But...but surely I may free your   
heart from his insidous clutches! There must be a way!"  
  
"Alas! It is too late!"  
  
"Too late!" Ranma echoed Akane in the manner of a greek   
play.  
  
"Too late! For the Sun is forever tied to Darkness and Chaos."   
Akane continued.  
  
"Chaos and Darkness!"  
  
"Chaos and Darkness bind her in truth. For she is the daughter   
of Darkness."  
  
"Darkness' daughter?"Kuno asked bewildered.  
  
"The daughter of Darkness!" Ranma repeated.  
  
"She is the daughter of Darkness in truth. For to Chaos, she is   
wed!"   
  
"She is wed to Chaos?!" Kuno asked, incredulous.  
  
"To Chaos she is wed!" Ranma and Akane repeated.  
  
"But this cannot be!" Kuno protested.  
  
"It can and is, Oh noble Kuno of the sword! In truth the Sun   
and Moon cannot be yours!" Ranma enthused with a slight   
smirk.  
  
"But cast thy nighted color off! There are others for whom   
your affection will not be wasted!" Akane said worried.  
  
"But who? Who worthy of my love would accept it?!"  
  
"I dunno, what about her?" Ranma suggested pointing at a girl   
with long black hair wearing a red and white hakama and   
weilding a wooden sword.   
  
"Keitaro, you shall die!" the girl swore to the heavens briefly   
before plodding onwards.   
  
"My love!" Kuno ran to the girl and proceeded to woo her in   
his own unique way.  
  
"Wow, that wasn't hard at all. What did I tell you? We just had   
to speak in a way Kuno could understand!" Akane said as she   
watched the girl -she said her name was Matoko or something-   
and Kuno fight.   
  
"Easy for you ta say! I almost died tryin' ta keep from   
laughin'!" Ranma said. Matoko forced Kuno back with a surge   
of air pressure from the rapid movement of her bokken. "Hey   
she's pretty good!"  
  
"Yeah it was fun! We ought to do that again sometime. I mean   
I thought we were pretty good...imagine if we practiced!"   
Kuno got up and attacked Matoko. She met him blow for blow   
until he cut down a large tree with a wide strike, catching her   
off guard and allowing him to get a hit in. "Kuno's good too   
though. A hit, a palpable hit!"  
  
"Akane, I know you like it and I gotta admit some of it's pretty   
cool but let's lay off the Shakespeare for a little while okay? It   
makes my head hurt." Matoko whamed Kuno on the noggin   
with her bokken. "Ooh that was harsh."  
  
"Okay no more Shakespeare for now," Akaned relented.   
Kuno, barely fazed embraced Matoko firmly. "I guess we hit   
him there so much he developed an immunity..."  
  
"Suki da" Kuno said. Matoko squirmed out of his arms and ran   
away, her face as red as her pants.  
  
"Ah young love." Ranma commented as Kuno chased after the   
girl. "Shall we?" Ranma offered the crook of her arm.  
  
Akane slipped her arm in Ranma's "Oh you're so gallant!"   
Akane laughed. They both entered the school. And yes they   
were both girls at the time.  
  
Ranma slept through her classes while Akane tried to learn   
something, which was difficult, considering one teacher talked   
in a perfect monotone and the other spent half the time playing   
children's games and eating candy, and the other half draining   
random students of the life energy with little or no provocation.   
  
At lunchtime Ukyo confronted Ranma and Akane. "You too   
are awfully...close to each other. Why aren't you   
fighting...what gives?"  
  
"Well, I guess you could say we both sorta woke up." Ranma   
explained. "A coupla nights after Jusendo I had this weird   
dream and after that everything just sorta became clear ta me. I   
realized how silly I was bein'. I'm just glad Akane changed   
too...I don't know what I would've done if she was still inta   
her jealous tomboy routine..."  
  
"RANMA!" Akane protested.  
  
"Aw come on Akane, ya gotta admit you were ta blame   
sometimes too."  
  
"I guess your right...but I still think you deserved it most of the   
time."  
  
Ukyo looked a little worried. "So what about OUR   
engagement, Ran-chan?   
  
Ranma looked a little uneasy.   
  
Akane spoke "You're not serious are you, Ukyo? You don't   
REALLY want to be MARRIED to this jerk do you?"  
  
"Hey!" Ranma protested.  
  
Akane ignored her. "Think about it. Do you think he'd just let   
you make Okonomiyaki in peace? No! Sooner or later he'll   
start complaining 'Why is it Okonomiyaki again tonight! Why   
can't we have something else!' Until sooner or later he says he   
hates it. Could you really live with someone who hates   
Okonomiyaki?"  
  
"But Ran-chan loves my Okonomiyaki, don't you Ran-  
chan?"Ukyo smiled sweetly at Ranma  
  
"Well, actually, Ucchan ta tell ya tha truth it does get old after   
a while..." Ranma admitted sheepishly. Ukyo's smile   
dissapated.  
  
"See! And I hope you don't plan on passing on your fighting   
style to your children, because Mr. Anything Goes over here   
won't allow that for sure."  
  
"Alright, I'm on your side, Akane" Ranma said, causing Ukyo   
to grit her teeth, "but that's not a very good reason. I mean I'm   
sure I could incorporate Ukyo's style into Anything Goes   
without any problem."  
  
"Incorporate..." Ukyo murmered, "INCORPORATE! The   
Kuonji School of Raging Okonomiyaki is not some kata you   
can adapt to your own ends! Okonomiyaki is a way of life! It   
must be followed religiously or NOT AT ALL!"  
  
"Jeez, calm down, Ucchan I ain't gonna marry ya."   
  
Ukyo looked a little confused. "Then why...did you LEAD ME   
ON all this time?"  
  
"When did I lead ya on? I mean I kept tellin' ya I liked ya as a   
friend every chance I got. I mean the only reason I let all that   
stuff with the sauce happen was cause I didn't want ya ta hate   
me."  
  
"But you called me the cute fiancee!"  
  
"I was tryin' get back at Akane! I thought you'd realize that!   
How was I ta know you would take me serious! I mean I still   
thought of you as a guy fer cryin' out loud!"  
  
"But then, you asked if I loved you..."  
  
"Aw come on, Ucchan can we not talk about that please?"  
  
Akane raised her finger in the air."Actually I'm a little bit   
interested in that myself."  
  
"Aw jeez, I was feelin' bad okay? Think about it. How would   
you feel if Tsubasa started hating you. I mean you don't even   
like Tsubasa right? But what if he actually hated you? Now   
you see Konatsu. Wouldn't ya want some reasurance that..."  
  
"Well I certainly wouldn't..." Akane offered.  
  
"No...Akane, I think I see what he means..."Ukyo started to   
chuckle then she pointed accusingly at Ranma "You just   
wanted to feel attractive! You can't stand the thought of not   
being pretty!"  
  
"Um...well I wouldn't put it quite like that..."  
  
Akane bopped her forehead with her palm "Of course! It makes   
sense! Ranma can be SUCH a girl sometimes!"  
  
"Hello? I'm still here ya know."Ranma interjected.  
  
"Oh don't worry Ranma, that's one of the reasons I love you."   
Akane hugged her currently female husband tightly.  
  
Ukyo's mouth went slack "Did you just say...?"  
  
Ranma put her arm around Akane's waist, returning the hug.   
"Ukyo you're my best friend, even like a sister or somethin'   
but I couldn't marry ya. I don't love ya like that. I only love my   
wife like that." Ranma looked at Akane affectionately.  
  
Ukyo was at a loss "I...you mean?...I guess ...   
congratulations, JACKASS!" Tears welled up in her eyes and   
she ran off.  
  
"Well, I feel like crap now." Ranma said.  
  
"I know, Ranma, I do too, but it had to be done sometime. We   
did the best we could."  
  
"I s'pose you're right." Ranma got up and walked to the door.  
  
"Ranma? Where are you going?"   
  
"I think I need to be male now..."  
  
"Well that's fine with me, but why now?"  
  
After they got married Ranma and Akane agreed to be open   
and honest with each other at all times. That included this one.   
Ranma hesitated, then responded,"It's 'cause I think...maybe   
you and Ucchan were right. That still sorta scares me ya know.   
I just need ta... make sure I'm still a man." The last part was   
almost a whisper.  
  
Akane nodded and sat back down. When Ranma came back,   
male, class was just starting again. When Ranma got to his seat   
next to Akane, she angle the sheet on her notebook so he could   
see. "I want to go back to Jusenkyo," it said.  
  
"Huh? You don't mean..." Ranma whispered.  
  
Akane nodded. Then she wrote more: "I want to share   
everything with you, Ranma." And she underlined   
"everything" several times.   
  
Ranma sat back in his seat, wide eyed. He stayed like that   
almost the rest of the school day looking at Akane from time to   
time and thinking. He'd just as soon forget about Jusenkyo and   
all the trouble it caused him, and he didn't want Akane to go   
through what he went through, but if Akane were to be cursed,   
they would be that much closer. There was a selfish part of   
Ranma that wanted that despite the counsequences. There was   
also a mischievious and disturbingly female part of him that   
wanted to see what Akane would look like as a man.   
  
The teacher was just happy that he could see Ranma's face.   
  
When class let out for gym Ranma wanted to ask Akane about   
the note, but a certain crazed gymnast chose that moment to   
make an appearance.  
  
There was a sudden storm of black rose petals and a sound that   
seemed to echo from the walls of the school and ring through   
the metal of chainlink fence."AHhahahahaha!   
OHhohohohoho! Hee hee hee! It seems the peasant Akane   
thinks she is worthy of my darling Ranma-sama! Surely even   
one as dense as she can tell that she is no match for the Black   
Rose!"  
  
Akane eyes thinned and she raised her fists and advanced   
toward Kodachi...until she was impeded by Ranma's left arm.  
  
"Wait," Ranma said softly. He walked to Kodachi and bowed   
low to the ground on his knees. "Oh Kodachi-sama! You are so   
right, you're blood is so noble you deserve what's rightfully   
yours! But first, please grant me one request?"  
  
"What is it my darling Ranma?"  
  
"It's just that since our relationship is going to change into   
something more...beneficial for us both I thought that we   
might start using pet names."  
  
"What a delightful idea! But what should I call you if not my   
darling?"  
  
"I've always wanted to be called...Little Pony. It's a fantasy of   
mine. My name you see."  
  
"How fitting! But then what would you call me?"  
  
Ranma hesitated "Princess...as befits your rank and stature   
Kodachi-sama."  
  
"Oh that's perfect! Rise, my Little Pony. You have no need to   
beg for such a thing."  
  
Ranma stood up.  
  
Kodachi moved to embrace him, but suddenly, he wasn't there.   
"Where did you go, my Little Pony?"   
  
"She's all yours," Ranma whispered in Akane's ear as he   
passed her using the Umisenken. He found Nabiki hiding   
behind a bush. He reappeared crouched beside her. "Are they   
coming?" He asked quietly.  
  
"They should be here any second now, little pony." Nabiki   
replied with a smirk.  
  
"Hardy har har. So... how much is this goin' ta cost me?"  
  
"This one's on the house. The entertainment value alone more   
than makes up for it. Plus I've got all sorts of bets on this one.   
Besides... its fun having a little brother." The last part was said   
a little more seriously than intended. The wedding had brought   
out the worst in Ranma's fiancees. Even Ukyo used explosive   
okonomiyaki on the pair, even if it wasn't very powerful.   
Shampoo's arsenal was about ten times more lethal. Tatewaki   
Kuno was actually one of more innocent of the suitors. while   
he had brought a metal blade, he revealed later that it was his   
family blade and that since the marriage was a matter of honor   
he could use no less, but that he intended to only use the blunt   
edge. Kodachi however, was by far the worst. There was a   
reason she wore a black wedding dress, and it wasn't because   
she happened to like the color.   
  
"What have you done with my little pony, harridan!" Kodachi   
demanded of Akane when she couldn't find Ranma.  
  
"He is. not. yours!" Akane's mallet winked into existance, and   
she brandished it in righteous fury. Ranma had convinced her   
that killing Kodachi wouldn't be right, but for that wedding   
dress...she deserved to SUFFER.  
  
A couple of days after the wedding Happosai tore throught the   
wedding presents to see if there was any lingerie. When he   
opened the one from Kodachi a poison cloud enveloped him.   
Even with his supernatural constitution, he almost died. If the   
wedding had gone as originally planned Ranma and Akane   
would have certainly been dead. Kodachi was dressed for a   
wedding and a funeral. The other fiancees and rivals had   
actually saved Ranma and Akane's lives.  
  
Kodachi's ribbon winked into existence as well. She lashed out   
with it and snatched Akane's mallet away. "Mallet-sama! I've   
found you at last!"  
  
The realization suddenly hit Akane. She had first found the   
mallet after Kodachi threatened her before the Rythmic   
Gymnastics match. She had gotten angry at Ranma, and it just   
was THERE...Right where she needed it. She had never   
recognized it from Kodachi's attack so she never knew where it   
came from. She just thought it was some ki technique she had   
learned accidently. But where ever it came from...it was a part   
of her.   
  
She was, by nature, a violent girl. It was time to show Kodachi   
HOW violent. While Kodachi was distracted, Akane unleashed   
a haymaker into the inside of Kodachi's right arm, breaking the   
bone with an audible pop. Kodachi screamed in pain. The   
ribbon and mallet disappeared. "That was for trying to kill me   
and Ranma," Akane declared, "and THIS, " Akane said as the   
mallet suddenly appeared in her hand once again, "Is for the   
dress!" She swung the hammer in an upwards motion,   
connecting with Kodachi's jaw. Kodachi was lifted four meters   
into the air and when she landed it was with a meter long skid   
across the pavement.   
  
Many people lost money today, but Nabiki wasn't one of them.   
Sure Kodachi might have superior skill, but the ones who bet   
on her never saw Akane in full berserker mode. "The way I   
figure it," Nabiki muttered, "I still owe you."  
  
Ranma smiled. He saw the men in white coats come on the   
scene just in time. "Nah, I don't think so...Nabiki, I think it's   
pretty cool havin' you as a sister too."  
  
Nabiki hoped Ranma didn't see the tears that welled up when   
he said that. She still had a reputation to protect.  
  
"The PAIN! Ow! Mallet-sama! Why have you forsaken me!"   
Kodachi moaned.   
  
The men in white look at each other and the broken, bleeding   
girl before them. "Looks like her," One said to the other.  
  
Kodachi crawled around aimlessly "Where are you my little   
pony! Your princess needs you!"  
  
"Yep," said the man in white, "Definitely her. Help me get her   
to the van." They picked up Kodachi's writhing form and with   
an ii uu ii uu took her to the white van. The back doors were   
open, welcoming Kodachi into the padded interior. When the   
men closed the doors the lettering read: "Happy Holiday   
Sanitarium."   
  
Kodachi wouldn't be wearing black again for a while.  
  
Ranma and Nabiki walked out from behind the bush. "That   
was awesome!" Ranma praised Akane, "Imagine if you   
actually knew martial arts!"  
  
Akane's hammer lightly bonked him on his head. "Baka."   
Akane declared. She couldn't keep from smiling though. Most   
girls would be upset if their husbands left them to fend for   
themselves, but most girls weren't Akane. Ranma believed in   
her, trusted her. That was worth any of his jibes, accidental or   
otherwise. In fact, the teasing somehow made her love Ranma   
even more.   
  
A bell sounded, signaling the school day was done.   
  
"Well I guess we might as well get home and start packing   
huh?" Akane said.  
  
Ranma's stomach grumbled in protest. "Er... I think we better   
go get something to eat. I didn't get to finish lunch and I think   
we skipped breakfast."  
  
Akane's stomach grumbled in agreement. "Yeah I guess you're   
right!"  
  
Nabiki smirked at Ranma and Akane's repartee. "Well, I'm   
going to go home, but I think you two should celebrate.   
Here..." Nabiki brought a billfold out of a pocket in her   
uniform. And took out something shiny and plastic. "This is   
called a credit card. It's in YOUR name... and don't think I'm   
going to pay it off for you, but I thought you should splurge a   
bit today." Akane took the card and Nabiki walked off.  
  
"We really should celebrate huh?" Akane said looking at the   
card.  
  
"Well yeah. I mean we got Shampoo ta stop botherin' us...We   
found out why the ladle lady kept splashing me...Then there   
was Ryoga, who I think we helped..."  
  
"Right, then there was Kuno, Ukyo, and Kodachi... Wait a   
minute that's six impossible things isn't it?"  
  
Ranma smiled "Yes, my Red Queen."  
  
Akane put her fist on her hip. "Red Queen... You wouldn't be   
making a reference to a certain Engish book would you?"  
  
"Aw...You're the one that made me read it!"   
  
"You didn't have to finish it in a single night though!" Akane   
said with a smile.  
  
"Well it WAS pretty cool...And you ARE my Red Queen...in   
all the good ways" Ranma looked away blushing slightly.  
  
Akane turned Ranma's head around with both her hands and   
planted a kiss right on Ranma's lips. When they were finished   
she said, "And you are the foul sorcerer that holds me in   
thrall."  
  
Ranma had a dopey grin on his face. "Yeah we should   
DEFINATELY celebrate. How about we eat over there,"   
Ranma pointed to a new restaurant that dominated a street   
corner with the katakana for "Miriwaisu" "It looks good and   
expensive. And we can use that thingy Nabiki gave us. A   
'Credit Card' was it? I want to see how this magic works."   
  
"Sounds good to me!"  
  
Ranma and Akane walked through the door hand in hand. It   
closed behind them with an odd click WOOSH.   
  
Ranma felt uneasy about that sound, but he could put his finger   
on why...  
  
When they were inside they saw an odd video display behind a   
strange cylindrical aquarium that held about twenty little   
yellow fish. The display seemed to show various types of   
beings pressing a black button on the cylindrical aquarium,   
picking up a fish, and sticking it into various orifices.   
  
Ranma nodded, pressed the black button twice, took a fish for   
himself and gave the other to Akane.  
  
"What am I supposed to do with this?" Akane asked.  
  
"Stick it in your ear. Didn't you see the display?" The display   
reminded Ranma of his training in China before Jusenkyo and   
the Amazons. The instructer would show him the moves and he   
would copy them. It was second nature to him now. Ranma   
stuck the little fish into his ear. There was small, audible pop.   
And Ranma's eyes went wide. "Hey it's translatin' or   
somethin'!"  
  
Akane crinkled her nose at the fish, shrugged and stuck it in   
her ear. Suddenly she heard what sounded like garbles and   
tweaks turn into a calm mechanical voice with a cultured   
accent saying "Welcome to Milliways, the Restaurant at the   
End of the Universe. A server will seat you shortly."  
  
"Wow," Ranma noted, "They sure pulled out all the stops   
here!"   
  
Akane had to agree. The place was much, much, bigger on the   
inside then on the outside, and the ceiling opened out into a star   
studded space-scape. Oddly the stars seemed to be moving in a   
slow spiral toward... something. The entire restaurant was   
filled with monsters, demons, and other types of youkai, all   
apparently drinking and having a good time, except for a few   
that seemed to have had a little too much, and were busy trying   
to keep all their body fluids in one place.   
  
It didn't take that much of a stretch in logic to conclude that   
this is what passed for posh in Nerima.  
  
"No wonder the Kunos are so crazy!" Akane said.  
  
"You said it." Ranma agreed.  
  
A dignified, elderly humanoid gentleman approached Ranma   
and Akane wearing a tuxedo and holding two menus. He had   
an air about him of polite snobbery, mixed with a touch of   
depression. "Welcome to Milliways," He sighed, "Please   
follow me to your seats."  
  
"The service here is great! We didn't have to wait long at all   
did we, Ranma?"  
  
"Nope," Ranma answered dumbly. His eyes were still taking in   
the sights around him.  
  
The waiter motioned them to their tables and they sat down.   
"Sir and Madame should not be surprised, as the reservations   
have been made fifty billion years in advance," the waiter   
droned.  
  
"Huh?" This shocked Ranma out of his...shock. "How's that   
possible?"  
  
"The universe shall be exploding for you momentarily," the   
waiter said, ignoring what was apparently an assinine question,   
"In the meantime, would Sir or Madame like anything from the   
bar?"  
  
Akane smiled "You wouldn't happen to have any Nannichuan   
water by any chance would you?" She winked at Ranma, and   
they both chuckled a bit at the joke. Although Ranma laughed a   
tad bit more nervously.  
  
The waiter wrote something down on his pad and asked   
"Would you like that sparkling or flat, Madame?"  
  
Akane jaw went slack "Uh...flat's fine, " she said absently.  
  
The waiter nodded and turned to Ranma, whose look of   
surprise stretched the limits of human expression. "And what   
would Sir like?"  
  
"Um...uh...Just some green tea I guess," Ranma ventured.   
Ranma was feeling a little on edge about the Nannichuan, and   
he wanted something to calm him down. Kasumi would have   
been proud.   
  
"Tea, Sir?" The waiter questioned.  
  
"Yeah, just tea, is that okay?"  
  
"I'm afraid we do not have any 'tea' in stock. Perhaps if Sir   
would stick to the more popular choices..."  
  
"Wait a minute, you have Nannichuan water, but you don't   
have tea???" Ranma asked, incredulous.  
  
The waiter rolled his eyes."Sir has repeated my words   
admirably. Now if Sir would please choose another   
beverage..."  
  
"Well what do ya got then?"  
  
"There's the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, a very popular choice   
among semi-sentient carbon-based life forms, Old Janx Spirit,   
Liquid Lead Pipe Labotomy, Death Reborn Revolution..."  
  
All these drinks sounded to Ranma like they would do nasty   
things to someone's mind, "Dya have anythin' non-alcoholic?"  
  
"Yes, Sir. There's Nannichuan water, Nyannichuan water, the   
water of Lethe, water from the river Styx, Tears of a Dragon,   
Blood of a Dragon, Unicorn Blood, Blood from the Ravenous   
Bugblatter Beast of Traal, and Apple Juice."  
  
"But no tea."  
  
"No, Sir."  
  
Ranma sighed. "I guess I'll have some Apple juice then."  
  
"An excellent choice, Sir. Would that be with or without the   
yak urine?"  
  
"Without. Please," Ranma stated emphatically.  
  
"As you wish, Sir. Would Sir or Madame like to meet the main   
course?"  
  
Ranma shrugged. "Uh...sure."  
  
"I'll have him brought out shortly with your drinks Sir.   
Madame," the waiter droned, bowing slightly in deference to   
Ranma and Akane before leaving.  
  
Once he was gone, Akane spoke, "Do you think they really   
have Nannichuan, Ranma?"  
  
"I don't know. But if it's real...are you sure you want to use   
it?"  
  
"Ranma, It's something I've been thinking about for awhile   
now. Ever since...That Night. Its been an obsession   
even..."Akane looked at her hands on the table, blushing.  
  
"Akane...you don't know what you're saying..."  
  
Akane looked up."I know it will be hard, Ranma, but I've got   
you right?... If you don't want me too I won't."Akane looked   
straight into Ranma's eyes questioningly.  
  
Ranma held the gaze for a moment then looked at the space   
scape out side as it swirled. "Well...if you really want to...we   
could get some instant Nannichuan..."  
  
"Ranma." Akane interrupted.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm bisexual."  
  
Ranma stared at Akane stunned. "NANI?"  
  
"You heard me."  
  
Ranma was at a loss"Akane...I...for how long?"  
  
"What do you mean 'for how long?' baka?"  
  
"Well...its just...I wasn't...that is before I got the curse..."  
  
Akane's eyes widened. "Goodness! No wonder you hated the   
curse!" She looked down at the table a little darkly. "Me, I had   
no one to hate but myself...and you."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"When I first learned about your curse...I was jealous."  
  
"That long... but you never showed it or nothin'!"  
  
"Ranma, what did I say about Shampoo when she first came?"  
  
"You said..." Ranma's eyes widened in revelation "You said   
she looked cute! And you would never mallet Shampoo...only   
me! You wanted Shampoo to yourself!"   
  
Akane's eyes thinned in irritation. "You don't have to put it   
quite like that"  
  
"Gomen gomen... I'm one to talk. I mean ya prob'ly already   
know about Ryoga right?"  
  
Akane almost stood up as she she slapped her hands on the   
table, smiling triumphantly. "I KNEW it! You're such a flirt   
Ranma!"  
  
"Uh...yeah...Look I'm still gettin' used to the idea so let's   
move on to somethin' else okay?"  
  
"So you don't mind?" Akane asked hopefully.  
  
"Huh? The Nannichuan? No...ta tell ya the truth..." Ranma let   
the corners of his mouth come up, "I think it might be fun."  
  
Akane rose above the table and kissed Ranma , holding his   
head with both hands. "I'm so glad!" She said after releasing   
him.  
  
Ranma, red faced."But why tell me this now?"  
  
"You know that night you came into my room and told me that   
you loved me?"  
  
"I live in that moment eternally." Ranma said wistfully.  
  
Akane smirked "Careful Ranma, you're getting poetic...."  
  
"Aw, Akane I'll be more poetic than Kuno...for you. What   
were you saying? About That Night?" The capitalization   
Ranma put on "That Night" was audible.  
  
"Remember I had a dream before you came in... It was in that   
dream that I realized... that I really was a tomboy. That part of   
the reason why I loved you...was that you were a girl."  
  
"Wow! That sounds almost like my dream! Who did you   
dream about?"  
  
"Why you, silly! Who else would I dream about?" Akane   
lightly whacked Ranma's arm smiling sunnily. Then her smile   
dimmed a bit and she cocked her head in thought. "Wait a   
minute you had someone in your dream too?"  
  
Ranma nodded hesitantly.  
  
"Well who did YOU dream about?"  
  
"Cologne."  
  
Akane paused and thinned her lips. "Ranma...that's sick.   
That's extremely and utterly uber-sick!"  
  
"Hey it ain't like I can pick what dreams I get or nothin'!"   
Ranma was about to continue when suddenly he was distracted   
by a large, vaguely pig-like creature gorging itself on   
vegetables while it was wheeled toward his table by a younger   
waiter. The old waiter followed with their drinks.  
  
"Hello there," The pig creature greeted from atop a large silver   
platter. "I'm the main course. Might I suggest something off   
my shoulder?"  
  
This was a little TOO weird. Even for Nerima.  
  
"Akane?" Ranma asked as the old waiter set down their drinks   
in front of them  
  
"Yes, Ranma?" She respond absently, being equally distracted   
by the pig-creature.  
  
"How do you feel about leaving on our honeymoon a little   
early?"  
  
"Um... okay, but why?"  
  
"Because," Ranma said, looking at the stars outside and the   
other creatures in the restaurant with a new respect, "Suddenly,   
I don't think we're in Nerima anymore."  
  
~~~~~[END]~~~~~  
C&C apreciated.   
  
Douglas Adams is dead. Long live Douglas Adams. 


	2. Fit in the Second:The Day After

****

Ranma and Akane Wake Up

__

Fit in the second: The Morning After

A Ranma crossover fanfic by **Z_o_**r**_k_**n**_o_t**

Disclaimer: Rumiko Takahashi owns Ranma. I'm taking quite a bit from Douglas Adams's _Hithhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_. I'm taking a little from Love Hina, a little from an obscure children's story I read ages ago, and far too much from Sailor Moon. Apologies to all I've offended. Now get over it.

****

Previously on RAWU: Ranma and Akane suddenly woke up and figured out how to solve all their problems. They got married, ditched all of Ranma's fiancees and celebrated by going to a five star restaurant with a credit card. Unfortunately the five star restaurant was Milliways the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Hilarity ensues.

(further notes to follow fic)

Thank you for reading, share and enjoy,

~~~~~[START]~~~~~

If you have never been to Earth, consider yourself extremely lucky. It's not a particularly _bad_ planet; in fact, some parts of it are quite nice. The problem is that it is populated by a race of absolute blithering idiots. These idiots are the bipedal, ape-descendents known to themselves as "humans." 

It's estimated that almost half of the habitable worlds in the galaxy are, in fact, versions of the same blue-green planet with the dull name. The overwhelming number of Earths and, consequently, humans, is now widely theorized to be the reason why so many of the beings that populate the galaxy have two legs, two arms, one head, and speak in British accents. This new theory has made quite a lot of people upset, and quite a lot of people have been blamed, but most point to three races in particular as culprits to this completely unhoopy predicament.

The first is the humans themselves, for merely existing. There have been one or two individuals who have suggested deporting the humans to the Earths they came from or perhaps feeding them all to the Bugblatter Beast of Traal. However, humans do not take kindly to deportation attempts and the beings that acted on the latter suggestion were all eventually fed... to the Bugblatter Beast of Traal. Most non-human beings continue to do what they have done in the past, which is stay as far away from humans as possible and laugh whenever they do something stupid. There are quite a few, however, which are not as nice. 

Vogons are one of these races. While it is true that they aren't especially nice to _any_ race, they have a special hatred for Humans, as Vogons are the second race blamed for the plethora of Earths. In particular one Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz. He had sought to destroy the Earth in order to make way for a hyperspace bypass, but Earths kept reappearing in various locations in space-time for each one that was destroyed. So by the time Prostetnic had managed to destroy the nine or so Earths that were blocking the way of the bypass, thirty-three more were created which blocked _other_ bypasses The problem had caused a resurgence of the Vogon version of science (which consisted of kidnapping groups of highly intelligent beings and ripping off body parts periodically until they figured out something) and consequently made their poetry the second worst in the galaxy, beating out the Azgoths by their in-depth descriptions of the anatomies of their audiences. It was Prostetnic's daughter, Shabon Vogon Spray, who finally found out what was going on. Shabon was a _particularly_ enthusiastic poet and she had managed to incapacitate a good number of a certain race of hyper-intelligent Pan-dimensional beings, until finally, they revealed what they knew.

These beings, the Mice, are, of course, the third race blamed for Earth. After the first Earth was destroyed five minutes before it could come up with the question of Life the Universe and Everything, to which the answer is 42, they had decided to make a second. Being hyper-intelligent and pan-dimensional beings, they decided that this time they wouldn't just give Earth a mere four dimensions, this time they would give Earth _all_ of them. Just as the small furry creatures with whiskers, large teeth and cheese fixations are the protrusion into our four dimensions of space-time of a race of humanoid pan-dimensional beings, so the Earths are merely the four dimensional analogs of a single pan-dimensional Earth. Each time a four-dimensional analog is destroyed the Earth warps, allowing more versions of it to appear in space-time, and thus we have the proliferation of Earths in the Galaxy. 

The sale of pan-dimensional mousetraps has gone up considerably in the years since this was discovered. Of course these don't work at all, but they serve to send a message.

As the vastness of space makes all-out war a tricky business at best, the end result of all this knowledge is an increased level of antagonism in general, an increased awareness in the existence of other dimensions, and an increase in towels, which have served to balance the other two out. 

Truly, if it weren't for towels, things would be pretty nasty indeed.

By a staggering coincidence one of the Earths that appeared as a result of Prostetnic's shenanigans was in fact better known as the legendary planet Mmagrathea ("Gamma Earth" if you take the trouble to unscramble the letters). Magrathea, spelled with only one 'm' by non-pedants, was in the business of large-scale custom planet building and is the birthplace of both the original Earth and the second. Which means that the Earth, in effect, created itself. 

This is, of course, impossible.

What this also means is that the popular restaurant Milliways, located for all time on Magrathea, can exist and thrive due to the tear in the fabric of the space-time continuum caused by the time paradox. Using this tear it can exist at any place and any time it sees fit allowing its patrons to witness the very end of the universe as they dine.

This is, of course, impossible.

Finally, what this means is that Earthlings, particularly those sensitive to psychic phenomena, often come across Milliways, mistake it for a normal restaurant and enter. Consequently they are often neither seen nor heard from again. And so it is that Ranma, a seventeen-year-old male martial artist who has defeated a god and turns into a girl when splashed with cold water, and his wife, a seventeen-year-old female martial artist who can call large mallets into existence at will and has been turned into a small doll and back again at least twice, are now sitting at a table in Milliways having an argument over a glass of Nannichuan and non-yak urinated apple juice with a space cow on whether or not they should eat it.

This is, of course, impossible. 

"It's quite simple," the space cow tried to explain, "Everyone was tired of the controversy of whether on not it was morally right to slaughter innocent creatures against their will. So they created me. I'm animal that WANTS to be eaten!" The creature stuffed a wad of lettuce into its mouth, gulped it down and smiled. 

"But...but..." protested Akane, "you're smarter than an animal...you can talk!"

"Well of course I can talk!" the creature chortled through his lettuce, "How else could I let people know that it was okay to eat me?"

"It just ain't right!" Ranma declared, "Having somethin' come up ta ya and TELL ya ta eat it? That's just sick..."

The gluttonous space cow gave Ranma a baleful look through the folds of fat on his face. "You would rather kill a creature that DIDN'T want to be eaten?"

"That ain't the point!" Ranma argued.

The space cow grunted.

"Okay...maybe it IS the point. I don't care." Ranma crossed his arms and contemplated his apple juice. He was wondering idly through the confusion if there was some way to be sure that there was in fact no urine in the beverage.

Akane gave her own "drink" a cursory glance before asking, "Honestly, don't you want to keep living to experience all life has to offer?"

The creature snorted "Madam, I've had a good life, better than yours I imagine. Do you know why I bother to wake up every morning? I think to myself, one of these days, some one is going to eat me, and when they do I want them to say 'My what a good tasting meat!' and not be concerned that they consumed something that hadn't died of its own free will." The animal let out a somewhat frustrated noise that sounded like a cow doing a sheep impersonation. " I have learned to speak, listened to classical music, got a degree in Xenobiology and Xenopsychology, invented a new kind of plum sauce...all to make sure that I was that much more palatable to the beings that would eat me. And now you would deny me the pleasure of knowing that my life's work has not been in vain?"

Akane tilted her head in revelation. "You really want to be eaten don't you?"

The space cow nodded as he stuffed some more vegetables in his face.

Ranma put his glass up to his nose and sniffed. His eyebrows furrowed as he tried to detect the urine that might or might not be there. He set the glass down and looked at the Nannichuan water in front of Akane. "Are you going to drink that?" He was wondering what it would do if someone drank it. Did it matter?

"Perhaps sir or madam would like to order now?" the elderly waiter prodded. He had been standing patiently at Ranma and Akane's table all this time and was beginning to understand why that metal gentleman who worked in the car park was so depressed. 

"I'll just have a salad thanks," Ranma replied.

"I know quite a few vegetables that would object to your choice sir," the dish of the day admonished.

"Oh yeah, well how come _you're_ eatin them then?" Ranma countered.

"I assure you I eat only the most fatalistic and suicidal vegetables, Sir. Besides I hate the bastards. Don't have any class- whining about having too little sunlight, not enough water, fluctuating gravity levels... They just wait around for other people to do things to them. They never fully enjoy what life has to offer or try something different." The space cow put a pudgy hand/hoof on Ranma's shoulder: "They probably wouldn't be interested in a luscious, juicy, steak dinner in the least."

"Hey wait a minute!" Ranma got up off his chair, "Watch what yer sayin or I'll..."

"Kill me? Or perhaps you'd like to tenderize me a little?" The space cow grunted, "That's all been taken care already, Sir. Perhaps you'd enjoy a nice rump roast, I've been feeding myself lots of grain, that area should be tender and juicy by now..."

Akane looked up at the tired-looking waiter and handed him her menu: "We'll have two steak dinners, please."

"Very good, Madam," the waiter nodded respectfully to Akane as he took her menu.

"Akane!" Ranma's head whipped to his wife. 

"What? I'm hungry." Akane giggled, "If we don't eat soon _you'll_ start to look good."

Ranma sat back down. "That...ain't funny."

"Sir?" The waiter was waiting for Ranma to give him the menu.

"Yeah sure. What she said." Ranma handed his menu to the waiter, a blank expression on his face.

"Thank you both so very much for allowing me to be your meal. Do you plan on eating any brains this evening?

"NO!" Akane and Ranma yelled.

"Good. I won't have to worry about shooting me self in the head then. I'm told laser pulse bursts can ruin an otherwise delectable dish." And with that, the waiter wheeled the space cow off.

For a while both Akane and Ranma were silent. Every now and then one of them would fondle their glass. Ranma occasionally stared at the knife on the side of his plate. Finally Akane broke the silence with a percussive nervous laugh. "Honestly, Ranma you said yourself we're not in Nerima anymore. Well wherever we are, apparently the food talks to you."

Ranma pointed to Akane's glass. "You decided what ta do about that yet?"

Akane's eyes stayed on Ranma for a while then drifted down to the glass in front of her. "I think..." Her eye flicked back to Ranma, "I think I'm going to pour it on my head. It's just..." She looked off to the side...at a fat, pink, tentacled alien in a Hawaiian shirt swaying rhythmically to the music of the blue-skinned brass band... "I don't know if now is a good time or not."

"Yeah, I know what ya mean..." Ranma brushed a piece of lettuce off his shoulder. "Hey! I just remembered! When you turn into a guy, you're gonna get bigger'n stuff. It ain't gonna be to comfortable in that school uniform."

"That's right! But what can I do? I didn't bring a change of clothes, you know."

Ranma looked at his apple juice. He shrugged. Then he picked it up and splashed it in his face. 

"Ranma! What are you doing?"

Ranma wiped her face with the dinner napkin and got up. She walked behind Akane and placed a thin graceful hand on her side, just above the waist. Akane felt Ranma's hand glide all the way down her uniform past her waist, down her thigh, stopping at her knee. Ranma could see the hairs on the back of Akane's neck rise in goose pimples. Ranma smiled. "That's a nice dress, can I talk you out of it?"

Milliways is a restaurant that serves (or to be perfectly accurate, served, serves and will serve) all manner of being. Many of these beings are leaders of super powerful star systems harboring great flotillas of warships and big, nasty weapons. It is thus integral, not only to the future (or rather, the proliferation _in_ the future) of Milliways but the very Universe itself that the bathrooms are accommodating to _all_ forms of life. Even stupid ones.

It is for this reason that the sign indicating the location of the restrooms consists of a fairly realistic picture of a steaming pile of dung. The area around the sign, in case a being does not have eyes, is fragrant with the smells of every known type of excrement. For those beings of a tactile persuasion the doors to each restroom have knobs that mimic the precise consistency and temperature of the feces to be found therein. If a being were to be of a mind to lick the door... that being would no doubt regret it. Smaller signs with sensory stimuli attuned to the brainwave patterns of beings in need of relief are placed along the walls to lead these beings to the correct area. All of this is done to make absolutely certain that it is as easy as possible for any being to find the appropriate restroom...at the appropriate time.

"So where is the bathroom?" Akane asked.

Ranma pointed to a doorway with a considerable amount of space around it. "I think that's it."

"Hmm? What makes you say that?"

"Uh, well...the sign kinda gave me a clue..." It hovered above the area in steaming, holographic realism.

"Oh I didn't even see that!"

"Jeez, Akane. Ya gotta be more obstinate."

"What?"

"Ya gotta be more obstinate." Akane gave Ranma a confused look. Ranma rephrased, "Ya gotta pay attention to things."

"Oh! You mean _observant_."

"Uh, yeah. Whatever." Ranma kissed Akane on the cheek. "Let's go. Bring your man juice." 

Akane nodded and got to her feet with the Nannichuan. Together she and Ranma went onward, through the tables of dangerously jovial creatures, to the doors underneath the gigantic, glowing, revolving, and steaming pile of shit.

~~~~~*~~~~~

Meanwhile, back in Nerima, a two days had passed, and Nabiki was beginning to worry.

"I'm beginning to worry." She told Kasumi.

"Why's that, Nabiki-chan?" Kasumi asked.

"Well that whole business with Ranma and Akane...It all happened rather fast didn't it?"

"What makes you say that?" Kasumi was rifling through her closet as Nabiki sat on her bed. She was even more distracted than usual...which was saying something.

"A month ago, none of the stuff Ranma tried would have worked. I mean, every plan of his is lame brained to the extreme, but I suppose one of them would have had to work simply out of probability...but... all of them in one _day_" Nabiki picked up a book that was sitting on Kasumi's nightstand. _Synaptic Self: How Our Brains Become Who We Are_ was the title. Nabiki looked at it a moment and then put it back down. "The Kodachi plan sure...I had a part in that, but why did that nonsense with Kuno work? The guy's an idiot with an obsession. They should never have been able to stop him!"

Kasumi pulled out a dress and smiled. "I'm happy for them."

"Well, sure. I am too...Ranma is _so_ fun to tease, but he's okay. He's good for Akane...but that's just it!"

Kasumi undid her robe and put a blouse on over her bra, "What's just it, Nabiki-chan?" she asked as she was about to put on the skirt.

"They should be at each others throats! They should be tearing the walls down! They should be giving each other hell! And instead, before they left, they were kissing...and hugging...and laughing for no reason."

Kasumi finished dressing and started brushing her hair. "I don't see what the problem is yet."

"Kasumi, the last I saw them they were going to a five star restaurant...with a credit card. I can't remember why I gave them that credit card, but I did. It's been two days and they haven't come back yet."

Kasumi tied her hair and a bow, sat down at her vanity and started putting on her make up. "Oh you're just worried about them!" She said with a patented Kasumi smile.

"Maybe...But that makes me even _more_ worried...about this other thing." Nabiki watched for a while as Kasumi carefully applied blush and eyeliner. Suddenly Nabiki realized that this was a little odd. "Kasumi? Are you going out?"

Kasumi took a moment to put the finishing touches on her make up and then stood up turning toward Nabiki. "Yes! How do I look?" She put her hands up to show herself. The dress was much more conservative than the current fashions but it was still striking. And of course there was Kasumi's smile.

"You look...good, 'neechan. Great even. Who's the lucky guy?"

"Why Tofu! He's back from his sabbatical in Okinawa and he wanted to see me!"

"Wow...that's great...great."

"Is something wrong?" 

"Hmm? Oh no. Nothing's wrong. Nothing at all..." Now Nabiki was the distracted one.

Kasumi stood for a moment, waiting for Nabiki to say something else. When she didn't, Kasumi look of concern turned once more to a happy smile, "Well I'd better get going- Ono-kun will be here any minute." Kasumi opened the door to leave her room then she turned back toward Nabiki "Are you sure there's nothing wrong?"

"Yes..." Kasumi started to leave, "it's just..."

Kasumi stopped, "Yes?"

"It's just everything today, and even the past few weeks just seems so..."

There's a sound from downstairs. "Oh! That's Ono-kun! I have to go, Nabiki. You'll tell me about it later won't you?" Kasumi leaves and closes the door behind her.

Staring at the closed door, Nabiki heard Kasumi and Tofu exchange nervous pleasantries with each other, and then leave. There was no evidence of madness from the good doctor. After a few moments of silence Nabiki laid on her sister's bed and stared at the ceiling. "It's just...everything seems so damned..._waffy_."

~~~~~*~~~~~

"Aw Akane! What'dya do THAT for!"

"Baka! I couldn't help it! The smell..."

"Yeah, I know but did'ya have to puke all over ME?"

"It didn't get all _over_ you it just got on your shoe," Akane pointed out. As she spoke, several cat-sized robots were busy vacuuming up the vomit. They seemed to be whistling an odd variation of the Star Spangled Banner. "You're SURE this is the restroom?" Akane asked for the third time.

The robots were giving Ranma bad vibes. She didn't want to stay out here any longer than she had to; so she held her breath and grabbed the doorknob. There was an audible _squish_. "Yeah, Akane..." she said as she let the air out of her mouth. "I'm sure this is the bathroom." After a moment of deliberation, Ranma turned the knob, which passed gas loudly in protest, and opened the door.

When going to a bathroom on an unfamiliar planet, spaceship, or five star restaurant, cleanliness is usually, but not always, the chief concern. For instance on the planet Regfue the bathrooms are absolutely crawling with dirt, slime and scum from beings coming from all parts of the universe. Regfue is the home of the filthiest bathrooms in the galaxy. Which isn't surprising, as the planet is also well known for it's Feng Shui Defragmentation Beans with Five Flavor Cheese sauce, so named because eating them is like having your entire digestive tract explode, and then having it put back together by a team of eclectic home decorators. However, due to the use of holographic projectors, scent negation machines, and hypnotic sound producers, the bathrooms appear to most to be sparkly clean, winter fresh, and almost absurdly comfortable. The fact that many leave the lavatory with several debilitating diseases is unimportant for those seeking a truly enjoyable defecation. Many beings have died in Regfue bathrooms, but they died happy, and no one else even notices they're there.

Conversely, the bathrooms at Milliways are impeccably clean and have no need of any such gadgets. This is because no one ever goes to them.

"Wow!" Ranma said after closing the door and wiping his hand on his pants, "Check out this bathroom!"

"I know! It looks bigger than the house!"

"I never seen a cha- sandr- one of those big light thingies in a bathroom before!"

"It's a chandelier, Ranma."

"Yeah, whatever." Ranma looked around the large, well-lit room for a bit. It was not so much a room as a long hallway. All along the left and right walls there were large multicolored trees with low hanging leaves. Closer to the entrance there were two large fountains with eight shell-like basins aranged in a radial pattern around their bases. On the wall to either side of the entrance there were mirrors, only the image wasn't reversed and when Ranma saw herself move, she had the eerie sensation that she was watching someone else. Looking at the trees again, Ranma noticed there were also strange brown sculptures next to each one. They appeared to be of a man with two heads and three arms. Ranma shook her head and turned to her wife "So...where are we goin ta do this?" 

"I don't know, I don't see any stalls, do you?"

"Nope. And I hope we find some, cause I got a few calls o' nature comin in here and I'm thinkin it might be somethin important."

"Oh, well I _told_ you this wasn't a bathroom...can you hold it?"

"Yeah...for now, anyway. I don't see any people here...let's just go change over by that tree."

"The one with the green trunk and purple leaves?"

"Nah, I was thinking more like the one with the red trunk and black leaves," Ranma said, and she and Akane walked over to the big tree with its strings of black leaves like garlands hanging from the branches. "Well," Ranma said with a smirk, "you wanna strip first? Or should I?"

Akane smiled. "Let's do it together." She put her glass of Nannichuan down on the white and black checkerboard tile and started to undress. Ranma followed suit. Soon they were helping each other needlessly with their garments, caressing each other, fondling sensitive areas of their anatomies, and generally having a good time. The light shining through the black undulating leaves of the "tree" made for an extremely romantic atmosphere and if anyone had bothered to tape Ranma and Akane in action, that being would be able to make a fortune in the lesbian space porn market. Except they would have had to have cut out the ending. Because when both of them were naked...

Ranma separated from Akane after they had both managed to take each others underpants off at the same time while keeping their lips locked in a kiss. She stood in front of Akane with a nostalgic look in her eye."This brings back memories, don't it?" Ranma laughed. A black tendril of leaves stirred behind her.

"Yes it sure does." Akane giggled. 

Ranma put her hands in a mock warding gesture as several strings of leaves twitched suspiciously toward her. "Ya ain't gonna slap me or nothin are ya?"

"Not unless you want me..." Akane began.

"URK!" Ranma shouted as black leaves attached themselves to Ranma's private parts with a disturbing sucking noise.

"...to." Akane finished, her eyes wide...but not as wide as Ranma's.

Ranma's eyes were straight out of Stephen King. If she started to move things with her mind it wouldn't have been that surprising. Instead she started pulling at the leaves and yelling something along the lines of "AAAAAAAH WHAA? GET OFFA ME! HOW DO YA GET THIS THING TA STOP! AAAARRRRRGGHH!" The last bit was more of high-pitched scream than a yell, but then almost anyone in Ranma's unique position would do the same. 

This brings up an interesting question. Are we merely the product of our environments? Granted memory and genetics are a factor but if anyone _with_ the same memories and genetics were to be in the same situation would they not, in effect, be in the same environment? Is it merely the amount of similarity of the total environment that determines the similarity of the response? Grunthos the Flatulent addresses this issue in his ten book series entitled _Zen and the Art of Going to the Lavatory_. "Every being eats," he writes, "Every being excretes. How many ways can this be done? Count the different kinds of bellybutton lint. You'll have the same answer. In the lavatory, we're all many, and we're all one."

These were the last words written by Grunthos before his lower intestine became sentient and throttled his brain. Most would no doubt agree with the lower intestine's assessment of Grunthos' talent, but he would perhaps be pleased to know that a mere thirty seconds after Ranma started yelling, thrashing about and screaming...Akane did _exactly_ the same thing.

After all the commotion, Ranma and Akane took a moment to collect themselves. They were both sitting sprawled on the cold checkerboard floor feeling mistreated, violated, and somehow strangely refreshed. 

Ranma was the first to get up. She ran toward the fountains and when she approached the one that said "oyu" in Hiragana, water streamed out of it. She cupped the water in her hands and splashed it on her face. 

Akane stared at her naked spouse.

Ranma felt Akane's eyes. "What is it Akane?" 

"Its...your curse..."

Ranma starting to get worried, looked straight into Akane's eyes, afraid to look down. "W-what about my curse?"

"I never saw it this up close and...personal before."

Ranma checked himself quickly and almost fell over in relief. He was male,"Jeez Akane! You had me worried for a second there!"

Akane stood up "Honestly, Ranma, you really can't tell what sex you are?"

"Why is that so hard for you ta understand?" Ranma shakes his head, "No, I can't. It's weird... it's like it's completely normal, like nothing's changed...and then I realize Hey! I've got breasts! Hey! I'm shorter for some reason! Hey! My voice is higher! It's so damned normal...sometimes it pisses me off." Ranma gave the "tree" a nasty look, "Like now."

"The Nannichuan is still over there by the...tree... You could splash it on yourself, you'd be cured..."

"Yeah, that's funny ain't it?" Ranma sat down on the floor, looking at the glass standing stoically admidst the rumpled mounds of clothing. "After all this time...I could almost do it now...But I ain't gonna."

"Why not?"Akane asked as she sat down next to him.

"The truth?" Ranma looked into Akane's eyes as if hoping she'd say she'd rather hear a lie. When no such response came from her he sighed, and continued. "The truth is I'm scared. There are things that I did as girl, memories I got, lessons I learned...If I get myself cured now...I'm afraid all o' that'll just slip away, and it'll be like none of it ever happened." 

"Ranma, that's silly!" But the hand that caressed Ranma's cheek said that somehow, she understood.

Ranma's own hand fell onto Akane's and he gently pulled it off his face."I know, Akane, but that's the way it is. I don't wanna get cured anymore." Ranma held Akane's hand now between both of his, and, like a priest at a benediction he kissed the tip of Akanes hand and then released her. "I think someone would have ta force me." Ranma said staring into his reflection in the glossy floor. "They'd have to hold me down, keep me from movin. That's the only way I'd take that Nannichuan now...Unless..."

"Unless?"

Ranma's eyes locked onto Akane's "Unless you asked me to."

Akane embraced Ranma tightly, her head on his shoulder. "What did I do, Ranma? What did I do to deserve you?" She was crying. 

Ranma put his arms around her "You were yourself. You were Akane."

They separated for a brief moment, their eyes looking into each other, then they rejoined in a long, passionate kiss.

They then proceeded in having wild, sloppy, unprotected sex on the bathroom floor.

"Ranma?" Akane said after they were done.

"Yeah?"

"We were both just manhandled by a tree a little while ago, weren't we?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Well...I mean it was essentially rape..."

"Whoa..." Ranma sat up "Look Akane, that wasn't rape okay? It was probably just how the toilets work around here."

"But it was against our will..."

"Hey we were standin under the thing...we were askin for it."

"No, Ranma. It wasn't our fault. You have to believe that it wasn't our fault!" Akane was sitting up now.

"Akane, of COURSE it was our fault! The thing's probably on some kinda mecha whatsit that can tell when somethin that's naked and wants ta take a crap or a piss or whatever is there and just sucks it out of them. If we just let it do its thing we'd a probably been fine."

"Ranma, do you realize what you're saying? 'If we just let it do its thing?' Ranma that...thing violated us!"

"But Akane! Its SUPPOSED ta do that! It can't help itself! It can't read minds or nothin! It can't say 'ooh I guess I'll stay away from this one, she looks like she'd like to carry her shit around with her a little longer.'"

"Is that supposed to make it okay? Oh sure...It's in its nature, 'it can't help it'...sounds like an excuse to me." Akane got to her feet her fists were clenched. "Doesn't it make you angry? That PARASITE took something from us and we'll never get it back..."

"What, Akane? What did it take? Our feces? Really, Akane, you're makin more out of this than it is."

"No I'm NOT! It RAPED us Ranma, pure and simple."

"I'm tellin ya Akane it wasn't rape!" Ranma stood up himself.

"Oh and why not?"

"Cause I'm Ranma Saotome and Ranma Saotome don't get raped!" Ranma smiled after saying this. It was supposed to make Akane laugh and make her forget the whole uncomfortable business. It didn't work.

Akane's mallet materialized in her hand, "RANMA NO..." She stopped the mallet just at the top of its arc. She looked at Ranma with anger and frustration. Then she stomped off toward the tree and the glass of Nannichuan.

"Where are you goin?" 

"You changed into a guy after it happened. I know why. It's my turn now." Akane got to the glass and gripped it tightly barely managing not to spill half of it on the floor.

"Akane you ain't thinkin! If ya do somethin like this when you're all upset you're gonna wonder about it the rest of your life!"

"I don't care. I'm really angry about this. I'm going to become a man. That will fix it."

"But Akane! That's stupid!"

"Yes, dear, it is." And Akane poured the water over her head. 

When the change was over Akane was a good two inches taller than Ranma. The jaw was more squared, the face longer, but the most striking change to the face was the eyebrows. Instead of thin lines above the eyes they were now deep, jet-black marks and they were furrowed in anger. The haircut, which looked cute on a girl, looked a little weird now, but was an acceptable style for a boy. The neck was a powerful thing, its tendons clearly visible as Akane's jaw was clenched tight. The muscles in Akane's arms, tightened on the glass and on the mallet still in the right hand, were no longer strangely out of place bulges in lily white skin... now they were impressively veined things of power. In short, Akane looked like a minor deity...and Ranma couldn't help but feel just a tiny bit inadequate.

"N...n...now then," Akane said. The voice was a high baritone, lower than Ranma's but a good bit higher than Genma's resonant boom. "That didn't make things better at all."

Ranma didn't say anything. His mind was busy catching up on current events.

"My voice...sounds weird...I'm taller...but you're right...I hardly noticed it...And it doesn't change anything. Time to try something else..." Akane gripped his mallet.

"You're goin ta beat the tree...with your mallet?" 

"No, silly," Akane said, and the mallet disappeared. In its place was a giant axe. 

"Hey! I didn't know you could do that!" Ranma exclaimed.

"Neither did I," said Akane as she advanced toward the tree. She wasn't one to look a gift axe in the blade.

At that moment Ranma took a mental snap shot of Akane. Akane wielding a giant axe in an incredibly dramatic battle stance in the middle of an alien bathroom about to do away with a glorified toilet. He took this mental snapshot, blew it up to twice normal size and plastered it on a wall in his mind so he could always look at it and say to himself, "There's Akane, the one I love." The fact that Akane was a guy at the time never even crossed his mind until much later.

Out loud Ranma laughed and said, "Okay, Akane. I'm with you. Let's pulverize this piss plant!" And so they did. Akane slicing it with his axe, and Ranma separating it into tinier bits with his Amaguriken. After they made short work of the first tree, they took down a few more. Ranma would have blasted them with a few Takabisha blasts for good measure, except he wasn't feeling all that confident. What he said to Akane kept echoing through his mind...only the words were twisted around. _Ranma Saotome got raped_! The words said as he ripped a piece of shit tree with his fingernails. _Ranma Saotome got raped!_ It's a good thing he knew that it wasn't true. Something like that could ruin a guy's self esteem. 

Akane for his part was too busy riding the acidic waves of righteous retribution to wonder about the whys and wherefores of the situation. In his mind he was still a woman, and she wasn't fighting a tree, she was fighting every time Kuno or Happosai copped a feel, Every time she found her undergarments missing, every time a boy accosted her on the street, expecting her to fall in love with them if they managed to beat her up. In the back of Akane's mind he knew that 'pulverizing the piss plant' wasn't going to make things any better, that it was just as bad...maybe even worse than Ranma changing sexes to run away from it all. But just at the moment, it felt good. So there.

After it was all over, they stood breathing heavily over the twisted mush that was once a line of toilet trees and surveyed their work. The trees were dead, their limbs already beginning to decompose and fall apart. Every now and then the remains would twitch sporadically. The pieces of herbaceous flesh oozed slimy guts everywhere and over everything. They also stank a great deal. 

Akane's axe dissipated.

Ranma, standing naked over the carnage walked over to the tree that had attacked them and kicked a flopping piece of tentacle off Akane's bra. "We probably shoulda moved our clothes first, huh?" Ranma observed.

Akane slapped his forehead into his hand.

~~~~~*~~~~~

Nerima, one week since Ranma and Akane left...

Contrary to popular belief, Nabiki had feelings. She just dealt with them a little differently than most. When she was happy she went to the bank to check her account and maybe buy or sell some stock. When she was angry she grabbed her camera and started taking pictures. When she was bored she'd do yoga stretches. When she was scared, she thought of math equations. When she was depressed, she did something unhealthy, like eat junk food or watch TV. Right now Nabiki was in a lotus position at the low dinner table watching TV while thinking of math equations and smoking one of her father's cigarettes. There was some stupid game show on, the contestants had to perform dangerous stunts for prizes...same old same old.

__

Multiply the initial investment let's say 30,000,000 yen by e to the power of the rate of interest, I'm not really interested but I've got nothing else to do so let's say 0.04, times the number of years...18...leaving for college soon...

Nabiki contemplated her father's cigarette. She exhaled and blue-white smoke writhed and curled from her lips as if she were some occidental dragon guarding her treasure from hapless adventurers and at any moment she would breath flames of death on them all.

Beautiful.

__

Point oh four _times eighteen ... is the same thing as eighteen times one over twenty-five, so I'm looking for e to the power of eighteen twenty-fifths...and what does this power get me?_

Nabiki was thinking of math equations because she didn't want to think of why it was that she was smoking for the second time in her life. Daddy was with Uncle Saotome and Happosai. They were no doubt on their third round of sake already and it was only just now getting dark. Kasumi and Doctor Tofu were on another date ("Ono-kun" was going to pop the question any time now), and Ranma and Akane...

Nabiki coughed. Smoking was really such a nasty habit- she didn't see why anyone would start it up. 

She took a long pull off the cigarette and exhaled. Beware the green dragon. Beware.

__

I need to take the twenty fifth root of e to eighteenth power. Now, e is two point one eight...we'll say it's two. Two to the eighteenth power is like the square of two to the ninth power. Two to the ninth power is...8,16,32,64,128...256. If I died right now... how long would it take someone to notice?

Nabiki sucked on the cigarette. She did some yoga breathing exercises. In with the toxins and carcinogens. Out with the sweet smelling smoke and good feelings...

__

Two fifty six squared is...40,000 plus 10,000 plus 1,2000...51,200 plus 10,000...61,2000 plus 2,500...63,700 plus 300...64,000 plus 1,200...65,200 plus 300...65,500 plus 36...65,536 Now then to find the twenty fifth root of 65,536... Dammit where the hell are they?

Having reached an impressive snag in her calculations, Nabiki's attention drifted to other things. On the television a man was trying to find an orange flag in a tank of pit vipers. 

Nabiki didn't care. She took a pull off her father's cigarette and blew smoke at the screen. Her hand found the remote. She switched to a nature show. The mating habits of the Asian Elephant. Click. A soap opera "Do you take this man to be your lawfully..." click. An anime. "...can't come with me. You must stay here" "But why?" "Because...because I lo-" Click. A talk show. "Today twenty-one happy couples are going to get married on the air!" Click. The gameshow was apparently the only thing on. The man now had a pit viper dangling from his nose, but he was ecstatic. "Yatta! I got the flag! I got the flag!" The announcer stepped in front of him with a microphone."You won the prize! You get 30,000,000 yen and a trip to Hawaii! What do you have to say?"The announcer shoved the microphone under the man's nose. "Well I was going to wait till after the show, but I can't think of a better time...Sayuri, will you ma-" Click CHUNK. Strike that. There was nothing on. The picture squashed into a horizontal line and then vanished.

Nabiki stubbed the cigarette into the ashtray. "This is stupid," she said out loud, "My life doesn't revolve around them." She got up to her feet but she didn't go anywhere, she just stared at her ghostly reflection in the black of the TV screen. Because for the last year and a half...her life _had_ revolved around Akane and Ranma. And now they were both beyond her. The game was over. They got their prize and Nabiki... she was left with the vipers.

After Ranma and Akane left, Nabiki's vast empire of information was quickly dwindling to the occasional question of when they were going to come back. Nabiki, of course had no idea, so she did what she always did when she didn't know something. She set up a betting pool. Nabiki set the odds that Akane and Ranma would return in a month. She felt she was being foolishly optimistic. She didn't think they would be back at all. 

Nabiki had less than a year in Nerima before she would be headed for college. Right now the prospect of going out into the world without Ranma and Akane seemed more and more bleak. They were special to Nabiki. She loved them more than anyone else, even more than Kasumi and Daddy... Of course no one knew this. She showed her love for people by exploiting them.

Nabiki climbed up the stairs to Akane's room. This was where Ranma and Akane had slept. This was where Nabiki was most likely to find a semblance of the answer to the question that had burning at her since the marriage...Why? This wasn't the first time she'd come up here, but maybe this time would be different.

Nabiki opened the door. The room was impeccably clean. Kasumi had made the bed that once had appeared hopelessly rumpled, picked up the clothes that had once languished on the floor, intimately intertwined, and put all the nicknacks that had fallen, back onto the nightstand. Nabiki could easily rent the room out now, and no one would ever know that it was once ground zero for a sexual explosion.

Nabiki approached the bed. She wondered idly if Kasumi had left any trace of the Akane-Ranma encounter under the bed. Nabiki started to crouch down to look but then she stopped..._did something move?_ She froze for a second. _It's probably just the draft from the air conditioning..._ She went the rest of the way down to the floor and bent her head to see. Oddly enough, instead of a cool rush of wind she felt warmth wash over her face. There was a sugary smell...something between freshly baked cookies and cotton candy. It was hard to tell in the dark, but there seemed to be mounds of brightly colored, fuzzy...things. "Okay now this is odd..." Nabiki said... and then the fuzzy things attacked.

~~~~~*~~~~~

Akane finished draping the rinsed out clothes on the statues of the man with two heads and three arms. She turned to see Ranma poking something with his finger.

"Please stop doing that, sir madam or thing," The thing said, "If you do not have the proper credits I'm afraid I cannot serve you."

"Ranma," what are you doing?" Akane was still a man, but he had his hands at his waist and his head was tilted in a ridiculously feminine stance of incredulity.

"Well it's gonna take a while for the clothes to dry...I thought I might as well check out what this thing is." Ranma was at a rectangular protrusion in the wall. It had several large buttons on it. Three were glowing red, the rest were out. Ranma glanced at Akane and chuckled "Um Akane, I really hate ta say this...but if we ever get back ta Earth you're gonna have to learn to act more like a man."

"What? This from the one who called me a tomboy every chance he got?"

"Well," Ranma turned completely around in front of the rectangle thingy and interlaced his fingers behind his head lazily, "you're still a tomboy when you're a girl. But yer a bit of a pansy when you're a guy is all."

"A pansy? I'll show you how much of a pansy I am!" Akane ran into a flying sidekick aimed for Ranma's head...which Ranma easily dodged. Akane's foot hit the rectangular thing with full force. 

"OUCH Owie owie owie!" The rectangular thing said, " SHARE and ENJOY! SHARE AND ENJOY! SHARE AND-" there was a surge of electrical energy and the mechanical voice distorted and died away, "Doi." Shortly after this, gray rectangular cases with multicolored tops fell to the ground out of the machine along with towels wrapped tightly in plastic. 

"Thanks, Akane!" Ranma patted Akane on the back as Akane got up. 

Akane, for his part wasn't interested in why Ranma was thanking him. He was only interested in maybe finally getting a hit in now that he was a boy. He came in with a punch.

"Hey..." Ranma exclaimed picking up one of the gray cases, Akane's punch consequently flying over his head. "What's this thing?" Ranma stood back up as he studied the case.

Akane followed with a simple roundhouse kick aimed at Ranma's exposed sternum.

Ranma jumped backwards onto the wall and then pushed off the wall, did a summersault in the air over Akane and landed on his feet. "Huh? 'Don't panic'?" Ranma read. The words were inscribed in large friendly hiragana on the case's surface. "Well, I guess that's pretty good advice..." 

"Arrghh!" Akane yelled and lounged at Ranma with a sidekick, and when Ranma jumped to the side, Akane followed through with a roundhouse with the other leg- which Ranma jumped over. Using his momentum from the missed kick, Akane spun into a hook kick that should have nailed Ranma in the temple but instead passed through empty space as Ranma sat down on the floor.

Ranma pulled at the green top of the case. "Hey it comes open!" He took out something that looked a little like one of Nabiki's graphing calculators only larger with much more buttons and a bigger screen. He poked at a few buttons as he rolled away from Akane's axe kick, which would have broken his collarbone if he had stayed where he was. After his roll he sat on his haunches reading the display on the screen, "'Space is big, really big. You just won't believe how mind-bog'... ba-gu-ri-n-gu-ri...baguringuri?" Ranma jumped over Akane's leg sweep that would have taken his head off and continued, "'...big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way-'" Ranma leaned his head to the side barely avoiding Akane's punch. "'-off to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space. Listen...'" Ranma bent backwards as if doing the limbo to avoid Akane's roundhouse kick. He poked a few more buttons on the gadget and then proclaimed "Aw it's just a stupid electronic book." and tossed it onto the ground.

Akane was just about to "get serious" when what Ranma said suddenly struck him as interesting. "What did you say Ranma?"

"Huh? Oh nothin just a stupid electronic book. I thought it was a game or somethin. You can go back ta tryin ta hit me if ya want."

"An electronic book? I've got to see this!" Akane snatched the book off the ground.

"Really, though, Akane, ya probably oughta get serious about trainin and stop goofin around. Now that you're a guy people are gonna wanna fight ya more... and I don't want ya ta get hurt."

Akane read the title, "'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.' Ranma do you know what this means?"

"Yeah. Ya gotta stop goofin around and start doing some real trainin like standin under a waterfall ta increase your ki, or maybe walkin on a fence to improve your balance..."

Akane's impressive eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"Trainin. Ya gotta get serious. I mean sparrin is fun and all but ya ain't goin ta improve nearly enough. Ya gotta go beyond fightin inta life itself...otherwise the Art ain't nothin but a hobby. Why? What are _you_ talkin about?"

Akane did one of his tilting head revelation things. "Ranma.... I think that's the most profound thing I've heard you say." He shook his head. "What I was talking about is this book. Do you realize if we had something like this we might not have had to go through all that with the tree?"

"Look I know you got it in your head that that thing raped us or somethin but it was nothin. I guess it pissed you off pretty good so it deserved it, but I ain't worried about it."

"Well _I_ certainly wish it hadn't happened. Look," Akane moved so that Ranma could see what he was doing. "I press the buttons o, te, a, ra, i for bathroom and mi, ri, wa, i, su for Milliways and look what I get..." Pictures appeared on the screen as the words scrolled to the left. After a bit, Ranma pressed a button and the book started talking.

-The bathrooms at Milliways are the easiest to find in the galaxy. Regardless of any handicap you may have due to species, accident, or too much to drink you will always be able to find them by the small signs along the walls of the restaurant and the large holographic pile of dung above the restrooms themselves...

"Oh so THAT'S how you knew this was the bathroom!" Akane exclaimed in revelation.

Ranma buried his forehead in his hand. 

-This makes it possible to go directly to the lavatory without the embarrassment of having to ask a waiter where it is. However, before going there, there are a few things you should know. 

-It is so easy to find the loo, as it were, that even mindless herbaceous creatures can find their way there, most notably the Aragolian Suckstool. These plants, carelessly dropped as seeds by tourists, inevitably find their way to the lavatory, where they feed off the waste products of carbon-based life forms...often without their permission. Many complaints have been lodged against Milliways for the actions of these... enthusiastic creatures, however nothing much is ever accomplished as the restaurant can simply move forward in time to a point where no one remembers what happened. 

-One Krokarn the Well Endowed of Entleberry 7 did manage to confront Milliways on the issue by making his twenty-seven children memorize the events of his assault. They were charged with telling the story to subsequent generations, and so it was that some two thousand years later, when a descendant of Krokarn, Oodleburt the Fairly Well Off, found himself in Milliways, he crouched on one knee, bowed his head in reverence and swore that he would have vengeance on the terrible be-tentacled witches of Milliways that did assault the tower of his ancestor, smiting off his manhood and stealing his riches. Oodleburt, whose people were fond of retelling old legends with the occasional poetic embellishment, would have made good on his oath too... if the head waiter had been able to find his name on his list. While it is true that this usually isn't a problem as you can book reservations retrospectively in advance by simply calling Milliways when you go back to your own time, it was a problem for Oodleburt, as after he was thrown out of the restaurant he was unable to find his spaceship, which had been 'misplaced' by the valet. Consequently, he died from the severe radiation of the destruction of the universe and was therefore unable to book a reservation.

-In short, a meeting with an Alagorian Suckstool is not a pleasant experience. Only one being in the universe has been known to enjoy it, and this is most likely because the plants regard him as a god, building intricate statues of him out of hardened, reprocessed excrement. This being is Zaphod Beeblebrox. 

-Unless you are Zaphod Beeblebrox, it is best you stay away from the Suckstools and the lavatory of Milliways altogether. Firstly because the experience of having your bowels and bladder cleaned out by a tree is most often an extremely uncomfortable one, secondly because the Suckstool, having little in the way of sensory apparata, is often unable to distinguish between fecal matter and living tissue, and finally because the Suckstools only exist naturally in a hundred year period on Aragol called "The Age of Tree Proctology." They are thus an endangered species and any damage done to them is punishable by death. 

"Shit!" Exclaimed Ranma after the Guide was finished.

Akane's eyes slowly left the book and found Ranma's. Then they flicked over to their clothes, drying on the statues of Zaphod Beeblebrox. They found Ranma's eyes again and Akane said, "Exactly."

~~~~~*~~~~~

"The mosquito whines in the ear of those who would slumber. The fly flits about those who would repast. So does this mercenary find me on this night when I would be alone with this facsimile of my new-found love...Matoko!" Kuno crouched and gestured at a double-sized poster of the girl with the bokken Kuno had met earlier. Kuno contemplated the image for a moment, and then stood and faced Nabiki. "Tell me, foul creature, what business have you with me?"

Nabiki didn't know. She looked around. She was in the Kuno mansion. How did she get here? And why? She had wanted desperately to see Kuno for some reason...what was it? Nabiki kept her face emotionless as she thought these things. She had trained herself not to show confusion. The best trick she had was to reveal what she _did_ know. This made her look like she knew what she was doing and had the added bonus of helping her figure out whatever was bothering her. "The girl," Nabiki pointed at the poster, "Is called Motoko. Not 'Matoko'" 

"How is this so? For I did ask for her name and 'Aoya Matoko' did escape her lips!"

"You caught her off guard. Her name is Aoyama Motoko. I could give you more information...for a price." Something fell screaming from Nabiki's shoulder. It was bright yellow...and fuzzy. Nabiki noted its position and returned her gaze to Kuno._ Stick to what you know,_ Nabiki told herself.

"Name it! If I could find out where my love lays her head, I could serenade her with a sonnet, or perhaps show off my prowess with the blade!"

"Fifty-thousand yen." Nabiki was tempted to call Kuno's bluff, but Kuno was a valuable client and she had to be sure her prices were lower than those of the private investigators around Nerima. 

With a speed that defied logic, Kuno took out his wallet, retrieved fifty thousand yen and slapped into Nabiki's open hand. "Done!"

"She lives in a all-female dormitory named the Hinatosou in Hinata city. If you want the exact address it will be extra."

"So far away! And yet only a week ago she traveled as far to reach me. So must I journey the long road to her home, for the fates surely have set this task before me!"

"Actually, she didn't come here for your sake."

"Is that so? Then tell me, oh nefarious oracle, what divine wind pushed her delicate sail in my direction?"

"One hundred thousand yen." Nabiki demanded.

"You foul usurer of knowledge! Very well..." Kuno handed Nabiki the money. 

"She was chasing a boy named Keitaro. He is the kanrinrin of the Hinatosou and he and another girl living there, a Narusagawa Naru left town after they took their entrance exams for Tokyo University. Motoko thought they might still be around and was convinced that Keitaro was taking advantage of the girl."

"Ah... A noble beauty indeed. This Keitaro must be punished! You say he's the kanrinrin at this Hinatosou? He no doubt seeks to enslave every woman in that establishment to his evil whims!"

"No doubt." Nabiki repeated to humor Kuno. She wondered if she was making a mistake. Kitsune, the girl she found nearby when Motoko met Kuno, had told her all of this information and asked only that she not be mentioned if Nabiki told anyone else. Nabiki somehow felt she and Kitsune were similar spirits, that they had something in common. Clients, even ones as good as Kuno, were fairly easy to come by, but proper informants were precious. Nabiki hoped Kuno didn't mess things up too badly. "I guess you're not going after Akane and the pig-tailed girl anymore are you?"

"Don't speak of such things! Everyone must have been laughing at me! Pointing and saying 'there goeth Kuno the fool! See how he doth lust after one that is taken, and one that is truly a man!' No more! If someone had just explained the matter to me in plain speech I would have understood! But nay, you did seek to twist words around. 'Their mind and soul are one' you spoke, and I believed this to mean they were lovers! I even felt that foul Saotome change and considered it a trick of evil magics. Was I not right? Was it not a curse that I did sense? But I had thought it was Ranma spiriting his concubine away, as I have heard of such things. Never had I suspected that both forms contained the same soul in truth. Who has heard of such nonsense? My sister is in an asylum now, and only yesterday I would have thought she'd be joined by any that believed that a woman and a man could be the same person, and yet I find that I have been the one in the wrong. My honor is hopelessly sullied, the respect I once garnered inhumed and blown to the winds. I have been brought down low and all because no one sought to inform me properly of the truth. Not my servants, not my fellow classmates, and not you."

Nabiki was impressed, Kuno almost had _her_ going, but she knew that it was always Kuno who jumped to conclusions, and Kuno who refused to listen to reason. And now he was blaming all his problems on _her_. Nabiki's fingers itched for a camera. Suddenly they found one. Akane could materialize hammers, Daddy could make his head into a gigantic demon, and Kasumi could produce fully cooked meals out of thin air. The only way Nabiki could tell Kasumi was angry was when she did that. Nabiki's thing was cameras. She was never quite sure why...it just was. This one was a Polaroid. She looked through the eyehole at Kuno's somewhat startled expression and pressed the button. Click FLASH! And the picture came out at the bottom. Nabiki ripped it out and shoved it into the pocket of her shorts. She could have killed Kuno just as easily. He was just a means to an end. But though she thought this it didn't make things any better. She was still angry for some reason. Pissed even. 

This hadn't happened in so long she had forgotten what it felt like, or what to do. Normally after she used her camera she would walk away, or...if someone asked about the camera she'd say, "Oh nothing, a girl's got to have a hobby" or something equally light and cheery all the while imagining that she just killed the subject of her photography and wondering what would be done to the body. Many times the people she "killed" would come back from the grave and sometimes she'd have to "kill" them again, but just as often they'd disappear from her life entirely, or would come back as completely different people. And whenever she got a new photo she'd put it in with the old ones in an album and she'd look through the album with a mischievous fondness.But it wasn't working now. Kuno wouldn't die.

"What do you seek to accomplish by taking my picture, woman?" Kuno asked.

And before Nabiki could stop herself she replied, " Nothing, I just wanted you to see what a complete _moron_ you are! Listen to yourself! You're going on about how no one told you the truth. EVERYONE told you the truth! You just didn't want to hear it! You were content in your own little world where you were the hero and everyone else was against you. Well maybe they were, and then maybe you just wouldn't let them near you. I bet you knew. You know that? I bet you knew long before Ranma and Akane did their little performance, and you were looking for a way out of the little rut you put yourself in. Ranma wasn't giving you the time of day was he? Akane was just ignoring you wasn't she? They were your closest friends and the only way you knew of talking to them or getting them to notice you was by acting like an idiot. But they've left now. Maybe they'll be back, but even if they return they aren't going to tolerate you anymore. And they're leaving you with no one. No one! And now you want to blame someone for all your problems because it doesn't fit into your little fantasy that you could be the one that's wrong, that you could be the loser. I tried to tell you. I warned you even but you didn't listen. You just wanted more pictures, so I gave them to you. And I gave up."

"When was this? I do not remember any warnings"

"I said you were two-timing Akane. That is not anywhere near what an honorable person should be doing. Do you know what you said Mr. Shakespeare? Do you know what came out of the mouth of the human vocabulary vault? 'Oh,' you said, 'So _that's_ two-timing.' And you kept on doing it. And now you want information about this Motoko girl. You want information? How about this: If you go after her like you've gone after all your other 'conquests' you're going to screw things up just like you screw up everything else. She, and everyone at that place will hate you and then gradually as you fail to get a clue, they will start to ignore you. This Keitaro may indeed be a perverted bastard, I never met him, but the one thing I'm almost certain he is not is an evil sorcerer. This is not one your fantasies Kuno. This as real as things here can get. But as much as you enjoy pretending you are some samurai hero, you never learned the most important thing that they teach...Humility. You have been defeated, Kuno. Countless times. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are a loser. You lost your reputation long ago. You lost Ranma and Akane last week and now..." Nabiki turned to leave she snatched up the yellow ball of fur that had fallen to the ground and turned around. "For what it's worth I think you might have a chance with Motoko. But that's all it is. A chance." She turned and walked to the door. Her back still toward Kuno, Nabiki said, "Good luck with the rest of your life," walked out of the room, and slammed the door.

Kuno was finally dead. His servants would find him in his room. They would call the paramedics, but they would just shake their heads. He died so young. So young and alone. They would put him in a plot of land close to the city. Only a few people would go to her funeral. Maybe Akane or Ranma would throw dirt on the casket as it went down. And they'd put on the headstone "Here lies Nabiki Tendo."

Nabiki shook her head. When had she become Kuno?

Nabiki walked briskly out of the mansion. Most of the traps were disabled, and the ones that weren't were easy to spot. When she got to the genkan, she paused before putting her shoes on and leaving the building. She took out the Polaroid of Kuno. His eyes were slightly wider in the picture, but his features still held a smug, aristocratic and naive handsomeness. Nabiki put a finger to Kuno's face...then she threw the picture in the trashcan beside the door. "Now you've lost me too." She murmured and then left the Kuno mansion behind.

The world was falling apart. Everyone was separating in twos and leading happy lives. And now Nabiki knew why

It was the yellow fuzzy thing. The same thing that was now dead and growing cold in Nabiki's hand.It had force fed her emotions she had suppressed for ages. She remembered now why she was going to see Kuno. She was going to go on a date with him. Then she was going to kiss him. Then they would get married and have lots and lots of precious little babies. Thank the gods Kuno had already started his Motoko worship or who knows what might have happened!

Nabiki had a thing for Kuno, she always had. It was something that wouldn't go away no matter how stupid he acted or how many times he went after other girls. There was a time when she was a little angry with Akane because Kuno was after her and not Nabiki. Then she was angry with Ranma for not being a more intelligent and available version of Kuno and then later for the same reason as Akane. But she took a lot of pictures, "killing" them both a thousand times, and eventually, she grew out of it. She always figured if she really wanted Kuno she could have him, but that there were so many better men out there, and that it really wouldn't fit her lifestyle to get romantically involved with anyone at her age. And that was usually enough for her. But then the warm fuzzy things attacked her and all those suppressed feelings came out again.

The things had to be stopped...but how?

They had to have been put under Ranma and Akane's bed by somebody. Happosai would be the most likely candidate, but he was still recovering from Kodachi's wedding present when Akane and Ranma had their change of heart. Besides that sort of thing didn't seem like Happosai's bag. There was Cologne, but why would she want Ranma and Akane to get together? It had to be Soun, Genma, or Nodoka. They were the only ones who definitely wanted Ranma and Akane married. Daddy wasn't that desperate and Genma wasn't intelligent enough...That left Nodoka. She was a wild card. Nabiki knew next to nothing about her, and where was she now? Staying at a friend's house in Juuban. Pretty convenient.

Yes, it was probably Nodoka, but if Nodoka had that big a secret, what other secrets did she possess? Nabiki didn't want to take any chances on confronting Nodoka without knowing what those chances were. She needed information, and the person most ready and willing to supply that information was Cologne. 

Determined now to end the madness, Nabiki headed for the Nekohanten....

Kuno watched Nabiki leave from a second story window. His thoughts were a jumbled mess but the overall theme was pretty clear just looking at his eyes. _How did she know?_ Ranma and Akane were gone and Kuno would have to move on but there was Motoko now and..._ How could she have known?_

~~~~~*~~~~~

A young man in a red Chinese shirt and black pants left the restrooms at Milliways, followed by a young woman in a high school uniform. The man was Akane Tendo, the woman Ranma Saotome. They both carried what looked like large cigar boxes in make shift slings made from tying the ends of a towel together over the shoulder. The cigar boxes were, in fact, copies of the Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. 

"Are ya sure they ain't gonna try ta shoot us or nothin?" Ranma asked, glancing suspiciously around.

"No, Ranma, I'm telling you, there's no way we can die until we make our reservation. Didn't you hear what the Guide said?" They walked back to their table as Akane explained, "Oodleburt died before he was able to book a reservation! We had our names on the list so we must have called....WILL call this Milliways place...and we HAVEN'T yet...or rather we have...but not yet...I want that book on time travel grammar the guide mentions. Anyway, until we call Milliways we can't die."

"Hey look!" Ranma exclaimed as she uncrossed her eyes from Akane's explanation, "Isn't that that Zippo bee's wax guy?" She pointed to where a motley crew of four individuals were getting up out of a fairly impressive puff of smoke. One of them was wearing a bath robe saying something along the lines of "It's not so much an afterlife, more a sort of ahutaaraihu." The one Ranma was pointing to had a surplus in arms and heads.

"You're right!" Akane said. "That's Biibaruburakusu Zeihado-san! Think we should say hello?"

"Um...Akane? He actually liked what those things did to him remember?"

"So? Maybe he knows a way to keep them from being so rough. The Suckstools are only innocent plants after all. I almost feel sorry for them..." But he continued to walk to the table and Ranma followed.

"Akane? Ain't you the one that said they raped us?"

"That was before we found out what they were. They're endangered species, Ranma! If I knew that I wouldn't have killed so many of them."

Ranma adjusted the too-tight blouse and put her hands awkwardly at her hips to keep the alarmingly loose panties from slipping. "I'll never understand girls," she said with only a small amount of irony.

When they got to the table a younger waiter was busily putting out their plates and new glasses of Nannichuan and non-yak urinated apple juice. The plates consisted not only of a steaming hot slab of meat, but also several multicolored side dishes, which were presumably edible.

"That's right! I was so busy fighting that Suckstool that I forgot how hungry I was!" Ranma and Akane sat in front of their meals quickly and cut into the meat with gusto.

"Hey this is tender!" Ranma was amazed at how easy it was to cut. "And juicy!"

Akane and Ranma, both a little awkward with the knife and fork actually put the first piece of meat into their lips at the same time. In one unified motion, they both spat it back onto their plates. "It's also revolting." Akane observed. 

Ranma nodded, "Yeah," she smacked her tongue a couple of times on the roof of her mouth as she wrinkled her nose, "I think it's the plum sauce." Looking up from her plate as she put one of the side items in her mouth so she wouldn't have to see it, Ranma noticed the ceiling. "Hey, I can't see the stars any more!"

The older waiter happened by at that particular moment. "Madam needn't be worried. We have simply covered the restaurant with a protective shield while this planet's sun goes supernova. Once the radiation is back to acceptable levels we will pull the shield back and you can see the rest of the Apocalypse at your leisure."

"Okay...Hey Akane, did you get that?"

"I think so, Ranma." Akane turned to the waiter, "Excuse me my...wife and I were wondering if we could maybe get another steak, without the plum sauce...and maybe cut up a bit more...on rice...with chopsticks."

The waiter nodded slowly. "I'll fetch the chef for you immediately, Sir," and the waiter left.

"Did you hear that?" Akane smiled at Ranma, "He called me 'Sir!'"

"You're gettin a kick outta this, ain't ya?" Ranma smirked. For her own part, she didn't mind being called Akane's wife nearly as much as she would have thought. "So what was he sayin about the shield?"

"Oh. You see the sun is blowing up right now, and while that's going on they need to make sure nothing gets damaged."

"That's what I thought, but what was that bit about the Alpo calypso?"

"The Apakaripusu?"

"Yeah. That thing."

"The Apocalypse is from Christianity. You see the Christians believe that at end of the world, Heaven and Hell will engage in a terrible war on Earth."

"Why the Earth?"

"Well, that's where the people are. You see Heaven and Hell would be battling over people's souls. And at the time they wrote the Bible they didn't know there were people on other worlds. I guess you could say by 'Earth' they just mean everywhere where there are people."

"Why can't Heaven and Hell just get along? I mean, I thought the Christians had a pretty neat system, good guys go ta Heaven, bad guys go ta hell. What's the problem?"

"Oh there's no problem. That will still happen. You see there's something called the Rapture, where all the good people will be taken into heaven before all the fighting starts."

Ranma crinkled her brow. "Okay let me get this straight...There's gonna be a big fight over who gets the souls on Earth, right? But all the good people are still gonna go ta Heaven and all the bad ones are still gonna go ta Hell?"

"I don't know that much about it. You could ask Kasumi maybe if we ever get back."

"It sounds a little stupid ta me. I mean who ever heard of a fight where no one ever wins anythin?" There was a pause as Ranma thought of all the fights she ever had...fights with Pops, fights with Ryoga, fights with Akane...she thought about how many of them she could honestly say she won... "Okay maybe it ain't that stupid. Ya think it could be true?"

"I don't know, Ranma. I like to think that I and the people I love are good enough people that we won't have to worry about it. But who knows?"

"Yeah," Ranma said as she looked at the shield ceiling, "I think we're good enough." 

"You're BASTARDS!" exclaimed what appeared to be a giant, pink octopus with a white chef's hat and a mustache. "You're both evil, sadistic and deranged BASTARDS!" The creature was wielding a long curved and dangerous looking meat cleaver in on of its tentacles. "That space cow waited thirty long years for this night. He gave his very life so that you INGRATES could enjoy the meat off his bones! And what do you heartless worms say after you taste the meal so much time and effort was sacrificed on?" He did a whiny voice " 'Ew! THIS has got too much PLUM sauce I can't eat THIS!' What the hell is wrong with you people?!"

"Hey look, I didn't even wanna eat him! He practically threw himself at us!" Ranma defended. "All we want is to have a steak without all the plum sauce. Just slice another piece off and be done with it already!"

"'Just slice another piece off,' she says. 'Just slice another piece off.' Have you no moral compass? Do you wake up in the morning and wonder where the nursery in the hospital is so you can go throttle some newborns? Or perhaps you bite the heads off puppies so you can see how far you can spit them? You're talking about a thinking, caring creature, not some inanimate piece of furniture!"

"He's dead now ain't he? Besides, you're the one that killed him."

"He killed himself. He made the ultimate sacrifice for his art. And you people treat it like he was clipping his toe nails!"

A creature that looked like a black straw with string arms and the head of a desk troll came up to the table. "Hello Sir, Madam, what seems to be the trouble?"

"This Jerk is sayin that we're responsible for some space cow's death. I just wanna have my steak without plum sauce."

The straw man bowed slightly, making Ranma and Akane wonder if his head would come off. "I'm the manager here. I'm very sorry about this. You see, your space cow was a very special space cow. He was dear to all of us. Especially Edrag here," the straw man gestured toward the pink octopus. "We were sad to see him go... They're like children you know. Edrag gets all misty every time he has to cut their heads off." 

Edrag nodded and sniffed.

"If you'll just be patient. I'll be sure to raise another one of the space cows from infancy, tell him stories, play games with him...teach him to set the dials on the transdimensional flux capacitor..." The manager broke down into sobs leaning on Edrag's shoulder...s.

"You see what you've done!" Edrag quivered with rage, "You've brought this good man down! He worked his fingers to the bone so that this place would be the best restaurant in the galaxy. But that's not good enough for you is it? You want more, don't you? You want meat WITHOUT PLUM SAUCE!"

Ranma discovered to her surprise that she had somehow found a bag of potato chips and was crunching them in her mouth as she listened to Edrag's rant, no longer caring. Looking to Akane she found that he was already on his second bag.

"It just makes me so mad," Edrag continued. "IT MAKES ME SOOOOO MAD!" and with an inhuman scream of rage, Edrag raised his cleaver high in the air.

"No, Edrag!" warned the manager, "Your war wound!"

But Edrag was already bringing the cleaver crashing onto the table. Soon afterward Edrag followed, falling on the table and on top of the manager, unconscious. The manager squirmed around for a bit and then gave up and passed out as well. 

AND NOW, THE PUNCH LINE

Akane finished his second bag of potato chips, wiped his face with a napkin and said, "Good thing I didn't tell them about the dirty knife."

Shortly afterward a very thin looking person got up on stage, introduced himself and told some very bad jokes after which the shield rolled back, revealing the universe in a less stellar position. Right after the bad joke guy left, a team of about five gunmetal gray stay-puft marshmallow men with laundry machines attached to their chests burst onto the floor. "We have come for the disgracers! Those heretics that dare harm the holy Suckstools of Aragol shall taste our laser cannons!"

"Oh yeah?" said Ranma standing up, "Well you can't kill us! We haven't made our reservations yet! How dya like THAT."

"Er, Ranma?" Akane grabbed Ranma's arm looking a little worried. "I just thought of something."

"What is, Akane?"

"What if...Nabiki...reserved a table for us?"

Ranma slowly turned back to the militant team of natural life preservers and smiled weakly. "Any of you guys know martial arts?"

The one that first spoke fired a large burst of plasma from the laundry machine in his chest. Ranma jumped over the blast flipped over Akane and landed on her feet on the other side of the table, next to Akane. "I guess that's a 'no.' C'mon Akane, lets get outta here!" And they both started to run. Akane doing all he can to keep up with Ranma. Ranma doing all she can to simply keep Akane's panties up.

~~~~~[END]~~~~~

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Notes for pedants: I completely and utterly realize that I have done things that should be illegal to the great work that is the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I've tried as much as possible to create scenarios that _could_ happen, but I realize I have probably messed up in a few places. Please let me know where and I'll be sure to note it when I get around to doing a revision. Note however, that I am going mostly by the TV series and Radio show and that in these media, Milliways is, in fact, on Magrathea. For any Ranma or Love Hina pedants the same applies. 

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General Notes: I do plan on doing a revision on the first chapter, but don't hold your breath. There are a lot of holes in that sucker and I have muster up a lot of gusto to fill them. Thanks to everyone who gave C&C. I have your reviews on file and I plan to use them. In the mean time, I've tried to fix some of the problems of chapter one in this chapter. In that respect I owe particular thanks to Thermopyle and C.Rose. 

I doubt if Arthur and the gang will ever have a speaking role in the fic. I'd like to get Marvin in there but no promises, also things are going to move in different directions soon. 

Thanks again for reading and as always, C&C is welcome.


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